Wanna Be My Friend?

Dear Person from High School Who is Trying to "friend me" on Facebook,

We've both aged since I last saw you (assuming I ever really knew you) so your updated profile picture is doing me absolutely, positively, no good in IDing you. And, your name? Gosh. Sounds somewhat familiar. But, I just can't place you to save my soul.

Honestly, that Dr. G chick from The Discovery Channel could probably do a better job figuring out who you are than I'll ever be able to.

Long story short: I don't remember you. And I'm too lazy to get up into the attic and pull out all my old yearbooks to see if your pictures from the 80's ring a bell.

Even though I could call up the other two people I know who you've already friended, I'm just in a lazy mode right now. If it makes you feel any better, one of our toilets was clogged for three days and I just got around to unclogging it. THAT is how lackadaisical I am at the moment.

Please don't take it personally, but I'm going to pass on friending you.

And, frankly, if we haven't seen each other since High School, what's really the point? We, obviously, didn't have a close relationship, as evidenced by the fact that you missed two weddings, one divorce, three births, and the purchase of two houses.

Thanks for thinking of me. If it is ultra-important for you to become my friend, a nice postcard from the South of France might make a good "first" impression.
Short of that, have a nice life. :)

Most cordially,
Me