Some of you are ready to call PETA on my sorry butt because you think "She doesn't love her dogs enough. One's overweight and the other is clearly way too damn skinny."
What can I say? Besides "Look up Whippet on Wikipedia and you'll see I don't starve the one. And the other? Have you seen his face? If he even gets near me and cries a little, I totally feel the need to fill his belly!"
But I'm not a totally irresponsible, heartless owner. I recently put Doug, AKA Fatty McPatty, on a diet. And I know for a fact that I will cry like a baby when it comes time for either dog to be put down.
Proof? I'm the kid who accidentally hit a bird on the way to my final History exam and stopped the car, scooped the half-dead thing up with a map, cried all the way home, found a box and a soft cloth, convinced my less than enthusiastic Mother to take care of said bird while I was gone, and drove back to the college, crying all the way.*
So, I'm not as cold-hearted as you might imagine. I just firmly believe animals have a place. And that place is NOT on my furniture.**
Enter my latest little adventure in cooking. Which, incidentally, is more proof nobody should go all ASPCA on me: organic, homemade dog food.
Yes, you read that right. And, no, I haven't lost my mind.
I just happened to have made the wrong purchase at Whole Foods and ended up with ground chicken instead of ground turkey. After trying to pawn off the $10 worth of meat on a friend, I determined to find a good use for the stuff.
Besides, I reasoned, if McPatty liked the food I gave him more, maybe he'd crave less table food, and he'd actually lose the weight the vet told me needed to go away.
Enter a Goggle search, which convinced me that crazy people are the only ones who do this. And I was about to join the crazy pack.
There was lots of commentary on the "proper" organic meats and vegetables and grains that should be used. The one poor soul who admitted she bought "scraps" from the meat counter at Aldi and the cheapest rice on the shelf, was bastardized by other writers.
I swore at that moment I would NEVER, EVER publicize the fact that I came up with a better tasting concoction, because someone would smear my good name into the mud of a commentary section because I dared to use garlic powder v. organic, fresh-peeled cloves.
Off the computer, into the kitchen I went, with a six-ingredient recipe in my little head. I discovered, really quickly, it was SO INCREDIBLY EASY to make this stuff. And Mike commented that "We could even eat this stuff!"***
The dogs? Can you say freaked out? On the verge of hysteria? Orgasmic? All apt descriptors.
I can not think of a time in the past, besides when my friend gave me four cans of dog food, that the dogs ate everything in their bowl and looked at me like "MORE? Just a trifle more? PLEASE???"
So, experiment number one complete. Seventeen meal-size servings for two dogs in the freezer.
This morning, I discovered some bison meat on the brink of expiration and combined it with several egg yolks that were unused from breakfast. In just a few moments, I'll be making another delicious, nutritious, organic concoction for the muttleys.
After all, the crazy commentators said it was a good idea to "rotate" between grains and meats. And, through my reading on homemade dog food, I'm convinced that poor rotating habits might cause death and destruction to befall the boys.
After all, what kind of dog owner only feeds one type of food to their dog for its entire life?****
*Net result: late for the exam, had to beg my way into the room and use my feminine powers (AKA crying) to convince the prof I should be able to test, passed the class, and came home to a dead bird in a box.
**My other totally sane reason for not wanting the dogs in my bed? When love is in the air, the only thing that ruins the mood faster than a crying kid is a dog scratching and whining at the door, begging to be let in.
***Um. NO.
****The sane kind. Opposite the location I'm standing right now, waiting for a pot of dog food to come to a proper boil.
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