Wedded Blisters

So, I got a request to write a bit on the whole Kardashian/Humphries marriage blow-up.

At first, I declined to even give credence to the whole, sordid affair.  I think the media has this one covered, probably better than the wedding itself, all 10,000,000 dollars worth. But, then, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized there were lessons to be gleaned here.

And, interestingly, the fingers that are blaming Kim didn't resonate with me.  It was the fingers staring back at those who are pointing that hit me hard.  (If you don't get it, point at someone and see that there are fingers pointing "back" at you.)

So, some lessons to be learned when a marriage fails:

1.  We don't know other people's hearts.  Only the Lord does.  What matters, in matters of the heart, is that God is blessing the union.

2.  It is entirely possible for someone to find a perfect mate in a very short period of time;  Mike and I are on the list of examples.*

In my experience, when you get comfortable with being alone, just you and God, the right person enters your life.  It's the giving over of self that assures God He can send you a mate to complete your life without risking losing your love for Him.

And, by the way:  this works, even if your nuptials weren't blessed from the beginning.  If you turn over your marriage to God, and put Him first, He can help straighten out broken hearts.  This is what I wish Kim/Kris would see.

3.  We can't really know a person unless they are willing to be honest and open.

With reality stars, we know the persona that we are allowed to see, that is heavily controlled by publicists and the stars themselves.  But, we don't know the true people. That makes people who put themselves in reality TV in a very tenuous position:  people immediately think that the edited part of their lives they are allowed to watch is who the star really is.  Not true.

The same is true with Mr. and Mrs. Regularperson.  We can't judge them by the edited part of their life we get to see at work or at church or at school.  We have to want to get to know them personally and they have to want to share their life before we get to see who they REALLY are.  And, even then, unless we are married, there will still be pieces of them that aren't shared.  And that is perfectly OK.  That is the way friendships work.

But, when you are thinking about getting married, nothing in your life should be guarded.  You should be an open book and so should your future spouse.  You should talk about your past and your future and your dreams and your fears with abandon.  You should relish the idea of staying on the phone until 4am, if you have to, to get to know each other.

You HAVE to know each other intimately, from an emotional sense, for a marriage to work.  The one sure way to tank a marriage is to come into it with guarded secrets.

4.  There is a difference between being in love, loving someone, and being in love with the idea of love.

Clearly, many people love the idea of being loved by someone else, where the signs of love are gifts and adoration and making out.  It's a trip to have someone think you hung the moon and stars.  It feels good to have someone hanging on your every word.  But, if it is all focused on how the other person makes YOU feel?  It's not love for the other person.  It's lust.

When you truly love someone, though, the signs are more than physical and material.  They are emotional and spiritual.  You willingly put the person you love ahead of yourself and your needs.  You treat them as the prince/princess they are.  You pray for them and speak highly of them and respect them.  You would willingly give your life in place of theirs.  In other words, your love is Christlike, giving and forgiving and unselfish.

Kim was clearly in love with the idea of being in love.  And, this is a dangerous trap.  When others around you, friends and family and co-workers, are all planning weddings or having babies, it is easy to want what they have.  And, this translates to loving the idea of loving someone.

And, if Mr. or Miss Handsome/Beautiful walks through the door in the middle of your fantasy about what you eventually want in your life, BOOM!  It can seem like you've just discovered love.

Do the test:  Do you truly know the person?  Love him/her for who they are not how they make you feel?  Do you know, deep down, what they want in life?  Do they love God more than themselves?

If you aren't sure about the answers to these questions, you're not talking love. 


5.  Divorce sucks.  Period.

No matter how long you've been married, it is tearing apart something that wasn't meant to be disassembled.  If God is truly in the union of two people, He grieves the loss of their oneness. 

6.  Listening to people around you, when you are in love, is crucial.  But, even more important than that is that people SPEAK UP if they think you are making a mistake.

Being in love is like living life on crack:  you are somewhere, floating around above the world, high all the time.  You aren't in your logical mind.  Sure, it's great.  But, the tell-tale signs that this romance wasn't meant to be are easily overlooked during this period of bliss.

It is crucial that your friends and family are brutally honest with you about what they see in your relationship.  Being in love, you are just blind.  And the people who aren't wearing blinders in your life need to let you know if you are making a mistake, even to the point of potentially damaging the relationship in order to help you make an error in marriage.

Let me tell you from experience:  there is nothing worse than having the conversation, mid-divorce, where people admit they saw all the warning signs but didn't bother to tell you because they didn't want to "ruin" your moment.

With all the flip-flopping, "Hate Kris" today, "Love him" the next, that occurred in the Kardashian kingdom during Kim's brief engagement to Kris, there was no solid voice of reason calling Kim off the cliff.  She needed someone to sit down and point out that neither she nor Kris was treating the other respectfully, that they are from different worlds that can't be lived in the same state, and that, with all the concern about changing her last name, Kim was showing all the signs that she wasn't fully committed to being a wife.

I don't know that this train wreck could have been avoided.  But, it should be used to help others make sound choices about the person they are considering marrying.

If it doesn't feel right, seems too hard, or is stressful being with the person you "love", then it is time to take a break and seriously consider what you are doing.

Once you make that long walk up the aisle, it's a little too late.


*Started dating on July 18th, were engaged in October 7th and would have been married around the holidays, if my sister and brother in law hadn't already planned a spring wedding.  We'll hit 14 years in less than a week.

Who IS That Woman?

The past month has been a whirlwind of medical activity in my life. I have, most literally, been looked at from head to foot by the likes of a dermatologist doing a full-body mole check, a set of doctors performing my annual mammogram/exam, and my chiropractor (twice).

Yet, the most illuminating visit was to the eye doctor. Or, do I call him the eye surgeon?  Eye guru?  Cripe. He's the dude who did my Lasik surgery four years ago.

I knew, going in, that the correction wouldn't be permanent. After all, eyes change. But, I didn't expect that the change would come so soon.

Seems, in the past nine months or so, that my vision just ain't what it used to be, even post-surgery, that is. In the mornings, when I try to read my Bible study before the house becomes fully awake, I find myself rubbing my eyes incessantly, trying to help the words on the page focus themselves.

And, an hour later, when someone asks me the time? I can't read the digital clock from ten paces to save my life. Yes, both near and far sighted options are gone.

For a few months, I blamed my lily-livered, chicken self for not going to get the necessary "touch up" on my right eye. I reasoned "Had I gone in to make sure my vision was 20/20, instead of 20/30 or so, this wouldn't be happening to me."

In July, I squinted my right eye shut to pass the obligatory eye check at the DMV.

By September, I knew I needed an appointment, stat. But, a phone call revealing the cost of the touch up set me squarely back into squinting mode.

I finally gave in this past week. I simply couldn't take another moment of trying to see what I really couldn't. So, I bit the bullet and made my way down to the doctor's office.

I told everyone, from the receptionist to the office manager taking my $100 co-pay, to the girl who performed all the fancy eye tests, that I would need a whole lot more than one Valium to get me through another surgery. If that was in the cards? I was going to need forty industrial-strength relaxants chased by a quart of Jim Beam.

Yeah, that's how much I enjoyed that first surgery.

They all giggled at me and happily passed me on to the doc.

Turns out, the doctor had good news and bad news. The good news? I wasn't going to need any Valium or Jim Beam or surgery of any sort. Instead, I was welcomed "into the club".

The bad news? It's the club for people who need reading glasses.

GASP. CHOKE. SNORT. FAINT.

Turns out, my vision is 20/15. But, my eyes have reached their mid-40's and my lenses are now more rigid than they were when I had the surgery performed. That's what was causing my problem: aged eyes that couldn't easily make the change from close-up to far vision.

*&%^#%)__)&***.

I ventured to Walmart today and bought myself a pair of "cheaters". Yes, they work. Yes, the kids think I look cool, "just like Gran" said Hooman.

It's official people. My husband is having a love affair with an OLD woman. The one he married almost fourteen years ago? Permanently carted off to some foreign land, never to be found again.

I get the impression that I've hit the top of the mountain and I'm careening down the opposite side at lightning speed. I am becoming the person I said I never wanted to be: someone who is young in her brain and old in her body.

So, I guess the joke's on me. Like all human beings, I'm succumbing to the natural aging process. And there ain't no stopping it now.

Don't worry, I won't do anything rash like get a boob job or liposuction or booty implants.* None of those things will, ultimately, stop gravity or aging. And, they won't bring me back to a time when I could rely on my eyes not to treat me like an old lady.

But, don't count skydiving or applying for "Amazing Race" or swimming with sharks out quite yet. I think I still have a lot of living to do.

Even if my vision sucks.




*That would be massive overkill and catapult me into needing to change my last name to Kardashian.

I Can't Take It Anymore

If I were unemployed (which I am, incidentally, by choice), I would be doing one of two things with my day:

1. Gaining skills necessary to return to the workplace in which I was hoping to continue my career.
2. Sending out resumes, meeting with contacts, and attending interviews.

And, I'd be praying, asking people to pray for me, and praying some more.

If I realized I needed to gain some skills, I would seek out the proper educational channels, do paid/unpaid internships, or work on my skills in arenas where I could perfect them (teachers can teach Sunday School, nurses can volunteers hours at the local hospital, carpenters can build a Habitat house, etc.)

In some way, I would be working to improve my situation and my self. By doing so, I would put myself into a position to run across people would see my drive, appreciate my skills, and either hire me or suggest someone who could.

If I already had a great resume but needed others to recognize me, I'd work on my interviewing skills, attending interviews for jobs that I might otherwise not consider, just for the practice. By doing this, I just might get myself in front of someone who would have the knowledge base to match my skills with available jobs at the company.

I would tap every human being I've ever said "Hi!" to and ask for their help. I'd make phone calls, send emails, text, be on Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin.

I would, in essence, become the Mary Kay representative with the nerve to approach other people in the grocery store to see if they would be interested in a free makeover*: I would talk with everyone, everywhere I went.

I would be praying for a door or doors to open. I would be praying for doors to shut. I would be praying I would be open to criticism from those who interview me and listening for essential skills to add to my resume. I would be praying for the people who are praying for me.

In short, I'd be working to find work.

What I wouldn't be doing: sitting in the midst of a park or a sidewalk or a grassy knoll, camping, with a bunch of other people who have NO COMMON PURPOSE other than to throw a gigantic pity party and whine and gripe about how hard life is.

You will never find a job sitting on your butt waiting for someone to smile down on you and provide what you aren't willing to work for.

Folks, if you surround yourself with people who are losing, you are going to lose. When those around you don't have the capacity to improve your lot in life, you get yourself stuck in a pit with them.

Man up, Occupiers. You can camp AFTER you've found a job. You can have a love-in over the weekends, when you are gainfully employed. You can vote your conscience in the next election or, better yet, run for office.

But, what you can't do is sit on your rear end, day after day, week after week, and expect that you are going to be able to afford the house you wish to obtain, the car you want to drive, or the vacation you wish to take. That takes money and money follows work.

Stop listening to the lies. Pick up your sleeping bag and go home. Join the rest of working society that understands that life IS hard at times, but that doesn't mean you throw in the towel, stick out your bottom lip, and refuse to move forward.

It's time to move on, people.


*She's the one with the pink Caddy in the parking lot because she WORKS at it.