When I was a little girl, eons ago, we used to ask questions like "Would you rather kiss Shaun Cassidy OR Leif Garrett?" There was the inevitable controversy amongst the bell-bottomed girls about which boy, blond or brunette, was the cutest. I'm not sure we ever got consensus, but it did lead to some interesting nine-year-old conversations.
Tonight at dinner I get asked the question "Would you rather be locked in a dungeon with a sumo wrestler with a machine gun OR lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot?"
First off, who still uses the word "hobo"? Really. Isn't that sub-1940's lingo?
Second, what the heck? I guess it's the testosterone. Scary situation vs. gross predicament.
Let's just say that what was sitting on the dinner plates really took the gross award earlier in the meal*, but I had just about had enough.
I prefer my mealtime musings be geared towards innocent, sweet questions like "Would you rather marry Miley Cyrus or Candice from Phineas and Ferb?" OR "How does Mom do it? Day after day of delicious, nutritious, portion-balanced meals? She's a GENIUS!"
But, alas, I've been dealt the male card four times over, six if you include the dogs, so I'm in for years of off-color questioning. Guess I should acquiesce now.
Incidentally, since I had to make a choice: I'm licking peanut butter.
*They were tasty enough, but let's just say the baked combination of gluten-free bread crumbs + turkey cubes look surprisingly like the clumps removed from most cat's litter boxes. I started chuckling when I was dishing them up and then Mike turned the corner and lost it. The kids? They've never seen a litter box, so when I dubbed our protein-entree "Sadie bites", after one of my now-deceased cats, it only made me and Mike bust a gut.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
The 10 Plagues Countdown
A few years ago our house was blessed with a series of boils that was, almost, at least in our minds, of Biblical proportion. It seemed that they just kept coming and were always MRSA, meaning a compounding pharmacy would have to do the honors in mixing up the prescription, which was never covered by our insurance company because the meds were considered "experimental".
Plague number one. Endured. Appreciated for its ability to inflict scars and excrutiating pain on those affected. As well, for its ability to flatten a budget to negative numbers in two prescriptions.
Gross out factor: 115%+.
For Halloween weekend we visited my brother and his family. This was supposed to be the relaxing weekend trip that would leave Dallas and its worries all behind.
Except that, about two hours before trick-or-treating was to commence, one of our boys began scratching his head in earnest. This was nothing new to me. Child had been doing the same for about a week and I kept checking his head. Nada. I chalked it up to poor shampoo rinsing in the shower.
Problem wasn't that he wasn't covered in lice and eggs. It was that his Mama had no idea what she was looking for. Thank goodness for a street savvy Aunt.
The solution? Total head shaving. With dog clippers. Even though only one of the boys was affected, they all got the treatment, including Daddy.
There was much gnashing, wailing, and comments about being a freak with no hair.
Several hours later, every male Nowell had endured lice shampoo and had a newfound appreciation for how much a bald head loses heat in the cold. Momma discovered lice shampoo doesn't stink, but it sure doesn't do much for making hair easy to style.
But, after a few well-chosen pieces of candy and plenty of fun going house-to-house, every one retired to bed pretty happy with their "new look".
This morning, brother and sister-in-law were left with a portion of the dubious task of cleaning linens, beds, pillows, etc. We left, tails between our legs, hoping they will eventually forgive us.
Plague number two. Sucks. Bad. Kids look cute but I'm still grossed out. On the economics side of things, though, this one is a cake walk compared to the boils.
Gross out factor: 1000%+.
Still wondering: which plague is next? Locusts? Frogs? Blood in the water? WHAT?
Stay tuned, campers. With eight more possiblities, I'm positive there's more to come.
Plague number one. Endured. Appreciated for its ability to inflict scars and excrutiating pain on those affected. As well, for its ability to flatten a budget to negative numbers in two prescriptions.
Gross out factor: 115%+.
For Halloween weekend we visited my brother and his family. This was supposed to be the relaxing weekend trip that would leave Dallas and its worries all behind.
Except that, about two hours before trick-or-treating was to commence, one of our boys began scratching his head in earnest. This was nothing new to me. Child had been doing the same for about a week and I kept checking his head. Nada. I chalked it up to poor shampoo rinsing in the shower.
Problem wasn't that he wasn't covered in lice and eggs. It was that his Mama had no idea what she was looking for. Thank goodness for a street savvy Aunt.
The solution? Total head shaving. With dog clippers. Even though only one of the boys was affected, they all got the treatment, including Daddy.
There was much gnashing, wailing, and comments about being a freak with no hair.
Several hours later, every male Nowell had endured lice shampoo and had a newfound appreciation for how much a bald head loses heat in the cold. Momma discovered lice shampoo doesn't stink, but it sure doesn't do much for making hair easy to style.
But, after a few well-chosen pieces of candy and plenty of fun going house-to-house, every one retired to bed pretty happy with their "new look".
This morning, brother and sister-in-law were left with a portion of the dubious task of cleaning linens, beds, pillows, etc. We left, tails between our legs, hoping they will eventually forgive us.
Plague number two. Sucks. Bad. Kids look cute but I'm still grossed out. On the economics side of things, though, this one is a cake walk compared to the boils.
Gross out factor: 1000%+.
Still wondering: which plague is next? Locusts? Frogs? Blood in the water? WHAT?
Stay tuned, campers. With eight more possiblities, I'm positive there's more to come.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Cutting Edge
So I am the least fashion/style conscious person on the planet. In fact, to find the genes that have anything to do with anything remotely NOW, you'd have to go back several generations. Then, you'd be in the NOW of the past, so that really defeats the purpose. Let's just say that my side of the family buys into the phrase "It's your thing. Do what you want to do."
Since I'm prone to winging it when it comes to design* and, heaven forbid, NEVER consult magazines that would actually involve anything having to do with "Fall Collections" or "Latest Trends", it was nearly impossible for me to try to get the blank canvas of this house anywhere never presentable without competent help.
Plus, by remaining design-ignorant, I've kept myself from needing the latest and greatest and from running to the store every 20 minutes trying to keep up with the latest incarnation of bell bottoms, paisley prints, and the "in" colors.
This week, however, I was in need of help with color. For the walls. In the TV room.
I actually made a semi-design decision that too much green would be, well, too green. So, I found the email my former neighbor sent and emailed the woman she used to help redecorate her house on a shoe string.**
This is the response I got:
From: Stylishly Cheap Designer
Subject: RE:
To: helpmechoosecolors@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 7:32 PM
Jill,
I would love to help you out but I am completely booked until the 2nd week in January. I start Christmas decorating next week - can you believe that?!!!
If you're interested in setting something up in January just let me know and we'll get it on the calendar. My # is 972/555-5555. Thank you so much for your interest in Stylishly Cheap Designer Interiors!
The Stylishly Cheap Designer
WHAT??? I've heard of paying someone to put up Christmas lights on the exterior of their house, but decorate the interior? Really? People pay money for that?
I understand the exterior light thing. What middle-aged man really wants to haul his over-worked, under-exercised body onto the roof, potentially exposing himself to a nasty fall and the holidays in a body cast? Please. Mike gave up on that in his late-20's and I was all for it.
The interior of a house, at Christmas, should feel cozy and warm and full of stuff that kids made at over abundant holiday parties, Sunday School events, and school craft times. There should also be the requisite ornaments handed down from the previous generations. Plus some junk picked up post-Christmas sales at 90% off.
Pretty much, once the tree is up and the flat surfaces of the house are covered with red/green/gold/silver stuff, you are done. The cost? A Sunday afternoon of your time and a few extra ounces on the body due to too many calories from the hot chocolate you downed in the process.
I emailed the SCD back and asked if she knew someone who could help before January as I would likely lose my sanity by then. Plus, I'm afraid our dear contractor will notice he's become part of the family, having been with us since last February, and walk just on that basis.***
We'll see what she says. In the meantime, I'm going to resist the urge to head out to Sherwin Williams for a quick look-see.
Last time I chose colors, we had Pepto Bismol pink in the entryway. I'd like to avoid another color faux-pas like that.
*Yeah. You noticed. Go ahead and admit it.
**I already liked this woman, sight-unseen, for the work she did in my friend's house and for her penchant for cheapness.
***Becoming an honorary member of this family IS that frightful.
Since I'm prone to winging it when it comes to design* and, heaven forbid, NEVER consult magazines that would actually involve anything having to do with "Fall Collections" or "Latest Trends", it was nearly impossible for me to try to get the blank canvas of this house anywhere never presentable without competent help.
Plus, by remaining design-ignorant, I've kept myself from needing the latest and greatest and from running to the store every 20 minutes trying to keep up with the latest incarnation of bell bottoms, paisley prints, and the "in" colors.
This week, however, I was in need of help with color. For the walls. In the TV room.
I actually made a semi-design decision that too much green would be, well, too green. So, I found the email my former neighbor sent and emailed the woman she used to help redecorate her house on a shoe string.**
This is the response I got:
From: Stylishly Cheap Designer
Subject: RE:
To: helpmechoosecolors@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 7:32 PM
Jill,
I would love to help you out but I am completely booked until the 2nd week in January. I start Christmas decorating next week - can you believe that?!!!
If you're interested in setting something up in January just let me know and we'll get it on the calendar. My # is 972/555-5555. Thank you so much for your interest in Stylishly Cheap Designer Interiors!
The Stylishly Cheap Designer
WHAT??? I've heard of paying someone to put up Christmas lights on the exterior of their house, but decorate the interior? Really? People pay money for that?
I understand the exterior light thing. What middle-aged man really wants to haul his over-worked, under-exercised body onto the roof, potentially exposing himself to a nasty fall and the holidays in a body cast? Please. Mike gave up on that in his late-20's and I was all for it.
The interior of a house, at Christmas, should feel cozy and warm and full of stuff that kids made at over abundant holiday parties, Sunday School events, and school craft times. There should also be the requisite ornaments handed down from the previous generations. Plus some junk picked up post-Christmas sales at 90% off.
Pretty much, once the tree is up and the flat surfaces of the house are covered with red/green/gold/silver stuff, you are done. The cost? A Sunday afternoon of your time and a few extra ounces on the body due to too many calories from the hot chocolate you downed in the process.
I emailed the SCD back and asked if she knew someone who could help before January as I would likely lose my sanity by then. Plus, I'm afraid our dear contractor will notice he's become part of the family, having been with us since last February, and walk just on that basis.***
We'll see what she says. In the meantime, I'm going to resist the urge to head out to Sherwin Williams for a quick look-see.
Last time I chose colors, we had Pepto Bismol pink in the entryway. I'd like to avoid another color faux-pas like that.
*Yeah. You noticed. Go ahead and admit it.
**I already liked this woman, sight-unseen, for the work she did in my friend's house and for her penchant for cheapness.
***Becoming an honorary member of this family IS that frightful.
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