Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fur Coats and All...

If anybody ever tells me that dogs aren't children with fur, I'm sending them this. Because I have proof. And I'm not afraid to use it.

Lately, I've noticed, our dogs are SUPER picky about what they eat. Today, The Babe dropped about 13,245 pieces of his fruit bowl on the floor. The dogs wouldn't touch ANY of them. If Babealicious had been eating anything meaty, the hounds-of-hades would have jumped on the table and gnawed his arm off. Vegetables receive the same treatment when they hit the floor. The dogs just can't be bothered with them.

Most kids I know FREAK OUT when you put something new on their plates. Last night, the shriek-evoking vegetable was zucchini. Even the biggest boy at the table kind of wrinkled his nose at it. I resisted the urge to give him the stink-eye.

We didn't even try to see if the dogs would become zucchini connoisseurs.

The dogs are also completely indiscriminate about how/where they use the toilet. From the closet floor, to the carpeted guest room, to the dining room rug, they've* mastered everything interior but nothing exterior.

I swear that we let our dogs out to do their business about forty times a day, the first time being somewhere between 6 and 6:30a.m. I generally will smell something amiss before 7:30a.m.

If the dogs could hear the sounds of my brain, they'd know I was thinking "THAT'S WHAT GOD INVENTED GRASS FOR! You were JUST THERE. Why pee and not poo? It's like milk without cookies--they go together, for crying out loud. For the thousandth time, YOU POO OUTSIDE, you imbecile."

If you've noticed, boy kids have HORRIBLE aim on the toilet. If they get distracted, midstream, urine will paint the walls because they'll turn in the direction of the sound, without stopping the blatantly obvious yellow stream emanating from their bodies. Better yet, if they discover they have to pee when they are outdoors, they'll just let 'er rip. Off the back porch. They might even have a peeing contest if someone else realizes they had to pee at the same time.**

So, if I have this straight, dogs like an indoor bathroom and kids like an outdoor bathroom. Well, slap me stupid! I thought it was the other way around. Silly girl.

Our dogs also find it charming to go right back to exactly the behavior they were just chastised about.*** Case in point: Tex and anything resembling a chair, couch, or perch. If I walk in one room and he's on the bed, which is a big No-No in this house, he'll immediately tuck tail and run out of the room. In five seconds, I can be assured I'll find him on a chair or couch he's not allowed on. After that, he'll move somewhere else, equally as forbidden, until he realizes 1) I'm on to him 2) He must go to his bed/cage/lair to convince me he's not going to do something bad again.

Do I need to point out the obviously twin-like behavior of children? Really? If so, you must have an sound-deafening Ipod in your ears and drink copious amounts of straight booze whenever you encounter children. That, or you didn't read this message very well.

Might I suggest you start again at the top, if that's the case? And, read S.L.O.W.L.Y this time.

While you read, I must excuse myself to go remove a half-eaten, completely shredded maxi pad from Doug's mouth.

I don't even want to know where I'll find the other half.

*READ Doug. Not Tex. Doug is about to get his butt-whooping in the ten-day training session where dogs learn how not to ruin their owner's homes. I don't care if they water board the darn dog, as long as I don't smell poo when I round the corners in our house.

**I didn't help that much. I once had a peeing contest, into a measuring cup, to prove I had to pee more than one of my sons. I won. But, I'm not sure WHAT I won.

***Maybe the kids taught them this?

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