An Open Letter to a Jackass

Dear Soccer Dad--
What a coordinated person you were today on the soccer sidelines, wearing a shirt that matched the soccer jersey's of your son's team.

What a nice guy you seemed to be when you were at your son's side each and every time he came to the sidelines. You provided him a good, old-fashioned sugar-high with his sport's drink by a big brand company, as well as what seemed to be encouragement.

How cute your son looked with his black under-eye patches. If he had been four feet taller and had hairs where men grow them in private places, he could have actually been the professional soccer player you made him dress up to look like.

What a complete nincompoop you became when you actually had the following conversation with your FOUR YEAR OLD SON:

Soccer Dad: "Do you want to play your Playstation 3 this afternoon?"
Four-year-old son: "YEAH" (Completely stoked)
Soccer Dad: "Then go out there and score a goal."
Four-year-old son: "OK" (Still completely stoked)
Soccer Dad: "Because, if you don't score, you aren't going to play your Playstation 3. Got it?"

Soccer Dad was super lucky that my butt was comfortably seated in a foldout chair and that I didn't have enough coffee in my system to jump to his son's defense. If I had gotten out of my chair, I'm sure I would have tripped over my lower jaw, which hit the field at warp speed when I heard this.

If I had my way, there would be a little circle of Hell reserved just for sport's parents who don't know any better than to be an ass to their own kids.

News flash, sport's parents: Your time to be the star is over. You are way too old. Your kids have a chance to do what you couldn't or wouldn't do. But, if you continue to denigrate their little spirits, you'll have a kid who can't perform, even if they want to, because they'll be too afraid to disappoint you.

So, get over the fact that you didn't make it into the pros and go cheer on your kids in a positive way.

Just don't threaten or yell at them. 'Cause next time, MommaJ is going to be tanked on caffeine and I'm going for the jugular.

HI-YAH.