Anatomy is in the Eyes of the Beholder

Today I was informed that all children are born in India. Then they get on a plane and come to Texas.

When I inquired where India is, The Babe pointed to his abdomen. Then he asked, "How do babies get out of India?"

After we corrected India to "uterus" and discussed anatomically-correct usage of the word, we launched into a discussion of the vagina.

Just for grins, and to test his Mother's ability to keep a straight face in the most hysterical of situations*, I got the following summary:

"So babies are born in the India, come out the 'gina**, and start crying?"

Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

At least if you qualify as a four-year-old boy. With selective hearing and memory. And the inability to use multi-syllabic, anatomically-correct verbiage.


*For which I should get a guest shot on Saturday Night Live, thank you very much.

**I hope he's over this abbreviated, cutsie terminology by the time he marries. Or becomes a proper obstetrician, if that's in his cards.

Whack A Mole

"Raising kids is the world's worst migraine mixed with a kick to the balls"--Jill Nowell

I credit myself because, I figure, someday I'll be famous for that humdinger.

I truly don't know how any generations ahead of ours managed to make it through the joys of parenting without becoming homicidal or suicidal. On second thought, some of them WERE both or either of these, but those of us left standing were, um, still standing. And able to procreate and start the whole vicious cycle again.

It seems that once you have one behavior tamped down another one rears it's ugly head. It's like playing a game of "Whack a Mole" with a smallish human being.

*Monday: Disrespectful? Whack--grounded for the evening.

Tuesday: Lied about doing homework the previous night ("I left it at school. Completely finished.") Whack--redo homework and write an apology to teacher.

Wednesday: Hit brother for no apparent reason. Whack. Time-out. Decided to leave time-out prematurely. Whack. Another 20 minutes......Two hours later. Finally out of time-out but now it's time for bed. Whack. Another 20 minutes for rude comment about parenting style.

Thursday: Left house without telling anyone where you were going. Gone missing until almost bedtime. Whack. Two weeks without TV or friends.

Friday: Near perfect morning except somewhere between breakfast table and brushing teeth, went temporarily insane and missed carpool ride. Whack. $5 allowance penalty.

And on it goes. Painfully. And, some days, slower than maple syrup in a blizzard.

Where it stops, only God knows.

Frankly, if I knew that what I was doing today wasn't going to lead to better behavior between now and college, I might just up and go all John Gosselin and leave my abode and shack up with a 20-year-old hottie.

Saddest part of that scenario? There is no doubt in my mind I'd suffer the consequences and end up pregnant again.

WHACK.


*Each example is for illustrative purposes only and may/may not have occurred in this household or the household of our parents.

Great Quotes from Little Boys

"Obey the wife."

That is a direct quote from my middle son. To Mike. As he was arguing with me about something so vanilla, so forgettable, that I have no idea what it was.

But the quote? It stuck with me.

The boy sounded so Charlton Heston, as Moses, commanding his Father do something.

It caught us so off guard, both Mike and I busted out laughing. That, as any of you who are parents know, will promote this quote being used again and again. Probably a big blunder, but it really was that funny at the time. And, it completely put the brakes on a goofy disagreement.

I need to file this away for the boy's rehearsal dinner. And, for the first time I am standing in his kitchen, listening to an inane argument with his sweet wife-of-the-future.

Chickens, baby, chickens. Coming home to roost.

Sooner than any of us think.

Marriage breakers

So have you heard the Terminator did his best to terminate his sex life this week?

It seems that Maria was driving in California and broke state law by talking on her cell phone. Of course, had she been any other Mom in America, this wouldn't be a big deal because nobody would have taken her picture. But gross TV hags TMZ shot pictures of her and now she's in hot water with THE ARNOLD.

For his part, he tweeted, "Thanks for bringing her violations to my attention. There's going to be swift action."

Dude. Why not just take a pitchfork to your tenders? You'll take "swift action"? NO. I think your wife will.

Two issues with this:
1. Maria wasn't caught by the law, so there is no basis for legal action here. Yeah, she broke the law but she wasn't CAUGHT by them.

Is Maria in the "right" here? Absolutely not. But, it's like the times I fly through a 35-mile-an-hour zone going 45 without getting caught. Not right, but if I manage to avoid the law, my infraction goes unpunished. Even if TMZ used a radar gun to nail my butt, Mr. Police Officer is just going to laugh in their faces.

2. Doesn't Arnold realize wife-Mom types are the only one who CAN handle driving and a cell phone?

Come on, man. We are the ones who can simultaneously wear three-inch heels and a nice dress, breastfeed a baby, and stir the macaroni and cheese on the stove for the toddlers to enjoy, while waiting for the babysitter to show up so you can take us out on the town. And, when we arrive at the restaurant? No milk or cheese stains on our Sunday best.

It is on an every-other-day basis that I'm glad we have the good sense to live in Texas, where I can carry a gun AND talk on a cell phone at the same time.

I just won't try to use them simultaneously. THAT might cause my driving to go a bit on the erratic side.