A Little Ditty about Competition

Another ditty brought to you by the Nowell Three:

"First is the worst
Second is the best
Third is the one in the Barbie dress*."

This is a truly interesting philosophy. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is really the mantra of the overachieving underachiever.

This is for the person who claims not to mind being the Vice President, salutatorian, and the second-in-line bridesmaid who wasn't crowned Matron/Maid of Honor and has to walk with the dorky little brother of the groom. People who still THINK of themselves as being numero uno and are, sadly, always disappointed they just missed being first, instead of celebrating second.

It's for all the people who were within 1/1000th of a second of being first in the swim meet, track competition, or beer drinking contest. Especially the drinking contest.

These are the types who complain bitterly against the person who worked their butt off to get into first place.

This describes so many people today. People who are willing to put in a little work but, heaven forbid, really sweat and toil toward their goal.

I'm afraid this is what America has become: a nation of second-place citizens with a first-place wannabe mentality. People who won't give credit when people reach the peak of their success, preferring, instead, to tear them down with vitriolic hate mongering and insulting platitudes about how everyone who makes it to first was handed everything on a silver platter.

I intend to correct my children's philosophy. I don't believe I was put on this Earth to raise children who will scratch and tear at the competition to get to the top. I also don't believe my children should believe there is anything wrong with being first, as long as they approach the position with humility and gratitude to God for giving them the ability. And, if they take second? They should be just as grateful for the opportunity and figure out what they want the next outcome to be. Then WORK for it.

The minute they lose those qualities, they have a Momma, hand cocked and at the ready, to remind them that they aren't too old to remember the lessons of their youth. And if a hand upside the bottom doesn't work? I can execute a mind-bending wedgie.

Here's what I learned growing up:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That means humility in victory and a congratulatory spirit in defeat. It means taking the number one podium with just as much pride as the guy on number two but with the understanding that the guy one step down could have just as easily been where you are standing.

It's what America needs to remember so we start steering our own ship again. We need to recall that we are the number one democracy in this world and not be ashamed, preferring to offer our help to others who want to replicate what we have. It's pride in who we are as citizens of this great country while remembering that we shoulder a huge burden of helping those less fortunate, no matter how "unfortunate" we are. It's building up the victor and working a little more the next time, so we can be number one instead of griping about how "unfair" it is to be in second place.

We can start by cheering on Brazil as it hosts the 2016 Olympics. Chicago should be proud they were the number one city picked in this country to potentially host. And L.A. should take pride in being second.

Think about it. Cause if you don't? I'm crowning you third place.

And, if you've seen the trash Barbie is wearing lately, you're going to look ridiculous.



*Or, as The Babe mistakenly chimed in, "Third is the one with the Barbie chest." Yes, he's four. Good Lord, please help us all.

Great Quotes from Little Boys

"Obey the wife."

That is a direct quote from my middle son. To Mike. As he was arguing with me about something so vanilla, so forgettable, that I have no idea what it was.

But the quote? It stuck with me.

The boy sounded so Charlton Heston, as Moses, commanding his Father do something.

It caught us so off guard, both Mike and I busted out laughing. That, as any of you who are parents know, will promote this quote being used again and again. Probably a big blunder, but it really was that funny at the time. And, it completely put the brakes on a goofy disagreement.

I need to file this away for the boy's rehearsal dinner. And, for the first time I am standing in his kitchen, listening to an inane argument with his sweet wife-of-the-future.

Chickens, baby, chickens. Coming home to roost.

Sooner than any of us think.

The updated Wedding Song

Overheard in the car today, all three Nowell boys present to participate (though some knew the lyrics better than others)

"Here comes the bride, all big and wide*."

Now, back in the dark ages, when I was sub-10-years-old, that was pretty much the end of the lyrics. The rest was just hummed to the wedding march. Now that we have left THAT century, the newer generation of kids has started waxing poetic on this oldie-but-goodie.

It continued: "Where is the groom? He's in the bathroom."

At this point, I figured this had started bad and was racing downhill like a bobsledder in the Olympic trials. What WAS that bad boy doing in the bathroom? I didn't have the chance to ask.

"Why is he there? He's in his underwear."

Now, I did feel the need to cover my ears, eyes and mouth, all monkey-like**. This couldn't be recovered, could it?

So I asked "Why is the groom in the bathroom without any pants?"

I just recently learned that logic is being taught at one of my son's schools, starting this year, THANK YOU LORD, because this was the response:

"Because a hobo*** stole his pants." Said with ATTITUDE like "DUH. Mom."

So, DUH-MOM, had to ask "But why would a hobo steal somebody's pants?"

MORE 'tude "Because the hobo didn't HAVE ANY."

OHHH YEAH. PERFECTLY logical. Glad I'm paying private school prices for my kid's educations.

So, if I'm following the logic:
At a private wedding between a fat woman and a man who seems pretty weak to me, a hobo breaks into the festivities, steals the groom's pants, and leaves him in his underwear in the loo??

I just had to ask "So what happens next? Do they get married?" The suspense was eating me alive.

One brother "Well, yes, but he's standing in his underwear in front of everyone and after they talk he runs away and is never seen again. He's too embarrassed."

Another brother "YEAH. He's naked." Laughing. "NAKED, naked, NAKED." Laughing hysterically, obviously forgetting our groom HAS underwear on. "Naked." Chanting now. HICK. Too much laughing for him = wicked hiccups. He finally stops the "naked" conversation because it's now coming out like "Na-HICK-ked." And it sounds REALLY stupid.

Last brother "Yeah, they get married, by the pastor, in front of everybody." Completely nonplussed by the poor dude without pants.

That song will never be the same for me.

I just hope, when the boys get married, we remember to hire security to guard against crazy, pants-deficient, wedding-crashing hobos.



*Come on, sing along. You know you WANT to!

**Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil....

***Note to self: teach them politically-correct term "HOMELESS PERSON".