The Dream Police

I'm one of those folks who dreams vividly. There are times the images are so real that, after waking up, I try my hardest to go back to sleep to continue dreaming. It seems, if I'm woken, I can never re-enter La-La Land where I am back on a beach, weighing 125 pounds, with a perfect tan and the cutest little bathing suit.

Anyhoo, the other night, I was in full-on REM mode. I had a dream that was so real I woke up in a panic. I couldn't believe this could happen to ME.

You see, I was fired from my job.

Now, as most of you know, I am Mom, head chef, taxi driver, bill payer, maid, errand girl and wife*. Some of these things I do with ninja precision. Others I suck at.

So I got to thinking: When you are paid NO MONEY for your job, can you really be fired from it? Last time I checked, zero minus zero is still a big goose egg.

Then I realized that, in and of itself, being paid nothing is a huge red flag that reads "POTENTIALLY BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF". Kind of like when you volunteer to teach Vacation Bible School when your kids are two and, seventeen years later, you are still being suckered into volunteering. Even though your kids are long since gone, you refuse to sing "Kumbaya" anymore, and you wear a bigger version of the same diapers you are changing on the kids in your room.

That's when it hit me. Oh.My.Goodness. I've taken a job I can't possibly escape. Because nobody can fired me from it and nobody wants it!

Now, should I go all female John Gosselin and take off with a dude who's about 19, Mike will never be able to remarry. Just try to control this allergy-prone, three-school-pick-ups, four-sport-playing, two-dog-owning, crazy zoo of a family.

I could see Mike personally contacting the guy from "America's Most Wanted", begging him to put out an APB on my sorry butt, after cooking a gluten-free meal for the first time. Or realizing THAT'S what Doug's anal glands secrete**.

Thankfully, for my sweet man, I've fallen into a comfortable groove with all of it. I can whoop a dog's rear-end for climbing on the table at the same time I correct math homework and cook up a tasty meal.

Come to think about it, I'm pretty-stinkin' OK at this here job. I might even upgrade myself to GOOD on some days.

So, faceless dream-induced man who fired me, stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Now, if you happen in on me, while sleeping, and I have a big smile on my face and seem really contented, turn off the alarm and back away.

If you don't? I'll tie you to a chair and recreate my beach dream in present day.

You REALLY don't want to go there.



*We won't play the Sesame Street game "Which of these things doesn't belong", because if you've known me long enough, you know my strengths. And know better than to bring up my weaknesses.

And, if the previous statement made you laugh because you can't count my weaknesses on one hand, I reserve the right to bake you brownies made with Ex-Lax. Then we'll see who's weak.

**There are no words. Just lots of thanks that we have a vet who will take care of this little issue for us. I'd pay a million big ones to never have to do that again.

A Little Ditty about Joe

For some strange reason, hymns are stuck in my head these days. While enjoying my piping hot cupajoe this a.m., my brain shot this out, to the tune "Battle Hymn of the Republic", by Julia Howe*.

If you can't sing this with gusto, you don't have enough coffee in ya. Drink up!


Mine eyes have seen the glory of the brewing of the pot.
My nose has smelled the scent of java recently brewed hot.
My cup has overflowed with the steaming, yummy lot.
The truth is I'm in love.

Glory, glory, roasted coffee bean
Glory, glory, roasted coffee bean
Glory, glory, roasted coffee bean
Your goodness marches on.

From the hills of California to the Florida state line.
This country's full of people who prefer their beans to grind.
Creamer plus two sugars will make my cup most divine.
The truth is I am hooked.

Glory, glory, java junkies
Glory, glory, java junkies
Glory, glory, java junkies
Thank goodness coffee's no crime.

In the morning when we rise to dessert after dark.
From golden beaches on the shores to New York's Central Park.
Regardless of your politics, for this we can all hark:
Coffee rules my world!

Slurping, slurping, javalujah.
Slurping, slurping, javalujah.
Slurping, slurping, javalujah.
I'm glad God made the bean!!!


*My apologies, fair lady, that this rendition is, no doubt, making you turn over in your grave.

Goobertown needs you.....

This coming week I'll be staying in a town so poorly named that I had to wonder "What's up with that?"

I'm going to Effingham. As in "Do you have any effing idea how wierd the name of your city is?"

I'm sure the founding fathers must have hit Illinois, with Winter blowing in, and said something like "We're in the middle of effing nowhere and it is mighty cold. Time to hitch our horses up to this here tree and call it a town."

Their distant relatives went a little further, into California, and established Dunmovin. Guess they got tired of being on the road.

Speaking of tired, how about No Name. I think these people were ultra-lazy. I figure their kids have names like "one", "two", and "three". Guess that's convenient, but it creates a REAL problem in the local elemenary school come role call.

But No Name beats the pants off Roachtown. Really? People live there? And thought this would appeal to tourists or future residents? I just imagine that the people of Hygiene look down their noses when you proudly announce you are from the great Roachtown High. Go fighting Cocks*!

If you are single, you should live between Ubet Imalone, at least until you get married, when you need to move your Big Ugly Smiley HooHoo to the Comfort of Happy.

If you are a Hooker, there are lots of places to land in this country. Lovely Ladies can enjoy Intercourse and Climax in several states. If it won't Embarrass them to Spread Eagle, they can also Bumpass Due West of Satans Kingdom.

Foodies of the world can unite in Greasy Corner to enjoy Burnt Corn, Chicken, Avocado, Honeydew, Rice, Mayo, Buttermilk, Hot Coffee, Bacon, Oatmeal, and/or Fries. If those culinary delights sound Boring, tickle your palate with a Weiner, Strawberry, Orange, Peanut, or a Clam. Just be sure to bring your Three Forks and Tin Cup or you might be Cut-Off.

Nowthen, I could go Onward, but that's Enough Useful information for your Flippin Life and mine.

Besides, I have to answer this burning question: Do the people of Wanderoos wear Underoos?

HMMMMM.


*What am I, 16? That should have ceased being funny 27 years ago but, somehow, I'm still giggling.....