Dear Kate

Dear Kate,
Sweet, sweet, young Kate. Did you and William think that you were immune to paparazzi taking your picture just because you were on private property?

Honey, I hate to tell you this, but you are not immune to those jack wipes just because your family has something like a bazillion, jillion dollars.

You can go NO WHERE.  EVER.  FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE without worrying about someone shooting your picture.

And, long live the Queen, if she doesn't die of embarrassment first, because yours is one story in a very long line of sad, public humiliations that seem to plaque the royals.

Personally, I hope your royal barristers sue the living snot out of the folks who thought it would be good business to shoot your picture.  And then I hope you take out the magazine and the person who owns it.  And then I hope you make a hefty donation to the fund set-up by Princess Diana and help wipe out AIDS in Africa.

And don't forget that you aren't alone.  The ashes are just settling from, what, last month, when a bunch of wanna-be princesses in Las Vegas were caught partying with Prince Harry, who was caught, quite literally, in public, with his pants around his ankles?  Or did he even have pants on? 

Dude left NOTHING to the imagination, if we are to believe the blurry cloud meant to protect his "privacy".  Not that there was really anything left to protect if you can figure out what is hanging behind that blur.

Your argument, should the Queen decide to try to chide you for this gaffe, should be the following:
1.  I am a married woman.  Committed to your Grandson.  Not some fool partying in sin city, getting naked with hoards of women I'm not married to.

2.  I was on private property in the country.  Not in Las Vegas, on the strip, in a club.

If the Queen still has a problem with this, point out the obvious:

"Your son is a cheater who married his mistress after his beloved wife was killed by paparazzi, the same stinkin' paparazzi who thought I was a good target on my vacation.  YEARS OF INFIDELITY VS. SUNBATHING TOPLESS?  No freakin' contest.  May I please be excused?"

There is a big chunk of me that wants to pull you out of the mayhem and bring you home with me to live a normal life.  But I know that will never happen now.  So, I guess you have to learn to live with the lot you have chosen.

Best of luck, sweetie.  You seem like a genuinely nice person.  You made a rookie mistake, one I expect you won't make again.

Your friend in Dallas, should you ever need to escape,
MommaJ