How NOT to do a cleanse

Today's topic is not for the faint of heart.  It involves bodily processes and fluids that are, quite frankly, a bit on the gross side.

You are excused from reading today if you might faint and/or sue me for causing your gag reflex to act up.

BUT, if you venture further, rest-assured that I will have you laughing at me in .0002 seconds.

Parental guidance suggested.
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So, I inadvertently did a really stupid thing last night.  Seems going out to a play with girlfriends with just a small slice of pizza in my system meant I was STARVING at 11pm.  And, with no one to police my eating, I grabbed the thick-cut potato chips and wiped out the leftover dip.

Now, most people would question my concern over doing this.  "It's called midnight snacking, honey", they'd say.  "No big deal."

But, the key piece to this puzzle is that the dip was JALAPENO yogurt.  Deemed a "mild, all natural" treat with "Strained Greek Probiotic Yogurt".

Yes, it sounds tame.  Yes, it is healthy (even low-cal, if I can tout its goodness a bit more).  It even sounds like it would balance out all the yuck in your intestinal tract.

NYET.

Let me say that another way:  "Hell, NYET".

This stuff tore me another one.  Took me down faster than fresh jalapenos.  Made me wish I had eaten those chips plain.

As soon as the bathroom urge hit, I should have run.  Fast.  Olympic-style sprinting should have been the description of my exodus from the laundry room to the powder room.

But, NO.  I had yet to realize what nature intended to do.  So, I continued moving clothes from the washer to the dryer, ignoring the SIGNS.

Until it was too.late.

Yes, I am here to tell you, there was just no stopping what nature no longer wanted in me.

Once that disgusting incident was over, I had the presence of mind to head straight to the refrigerator for a probiotic pill.  I figured THAT would remedy any remaining issues.

At that point, I was craving a cup of coffee.  Thankfully I remembered that is a really good reason runners drink coffee before a race.  And a really good reason race sponsors put Portajohns at the start line.  There's more than number one going on before race time, people!

So, I opted for green tea.  Mistake number two of the day.

It seems the green tea I have in the house is "Dieter's Green", intended as an "herbal supplement while dieting".  It also, as the label professes, "helps promote cleansing".  I figured I already had HAD my cleanse, could use a nice cup of warmth, and herbal supplementation to boot.

So.very.wrong.

I missed the point, under the Supplement Facts, that read in part (and was underlined):  "Do not use if you have or develop diarrhea, loose stools, or additional pain because senna leaf may worsen these conditions and be harmful to your health."

Yes, I brewed two bags in about 12 ounces of water.  And, upon returning from lunch, drank the whole batch over ice.  Before reading the entire label.  Which I read just before writing this.  And taking two more probiotic pills.

I've been on the toilet ever since.

Ya'll?  If stupid is as stupid does then I am double stupid today.  But, I'm dumb with a REALLY clean colon. 

I still pondering if a clean colon trumps the fact that I am flat stupid though....