Advice to Newly Married Men

Dear Sirs:
Please note that the beautiful lady you just married loves you 365 days of the year.  Unfortunately, somewhere between 60 and 94 of those days, she is going to be under the spell of a little thing called a "period".  Your Mama may have called it her "cycle" or you heard about "menstruating" in health class or your buds crudely referred to it as the "red tide".

They were all right.

BUT, like the little secret Mommas keep from first-time pregnant women about how incredibly PAINFUL breastfeeding really is, no one will give you the straight truth about what your sugarplum is feeling.  So, I am going to be your savior:  DON'T TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT.

Instead, from the very first time your wife is making you a turkey sandwich and you respond to her mayo vs. spicy mustard question and her head reels around like she is possessed of Satan and spews "YOU JUST SAID YOU WANT HAM, NOT TURKEY?" when, clearly, you said "Whatever's in the fridge, dear", you NEED TO MARK YOUR CALENDAR IN BIG, BOLD, RED LETTERS.  Something like "I love my wife".*

You'll actually need that as a little reminder in about 28-30 more days.  Because, guess what?  This isn't like a blue moon that happens, well, once in a blue moon.  This is more like the werewolf change DURING a full moon.

So, count 28 days into the future, note again that you dearly love your sugar pie, and do yourself a big, honking favor:  schedule flowers, chocolates, massages, spa trips, chick-flicks with her girlfriends, and/or tequila-tasting tours.  The more preoccupied she is with things other than you, the better off you'll be.

Or, better yet, if you still don't have kids (because they will NEED you to run defense for them), schedule business trips for yourself during this time.**  Trust me, it is SO MUCH EASIER to fake listening over a phone from Schenectady then it is to endure the wrath of your wife when you doze off as she enters hour number three of endless ranting about the ineptitude of the current PTA President.

Do it today, for the love of all things peaceful and chocolaty.  You'll never regret this advice.  And, actually, it may make your marriage the envy of the neighborhood.

Best of luck!
MommaJ

*Not to be confused with "I love my life", which, in this case, kind of go hand-in-hand during this monthly ritual.

**This may or may not reflect my husband's current actions.  Let's just say he is a BRILLIANT planner.