Crazy Dog Whisperer "Lady"

On our way home to Case deNowell yesterday, within 25 feet of our turn, we see a rabbit run across all seven lanes of Hillcrest.

Problem was, this brown piece of work couldn't have been a rabbit, unless rabbits have discovered growth hormones. So we all rubbed our eyes and took a second look.

Turns out, it was a dog. Chihuahua, probably.*

Regardless, it was FREAKED. It managed to make it past all seven lanes of traffic to our side of the street, so we pulled into the street just North of us and proceeded to try to coax this little animal to safety.

What we didn't immediately know, though, was that the Dog Whisperer was pulling in just behind us.

I was already crouched down, pursing my lips and making the kissie sounds that dogs seem to love when DW appeared.

She was wearing a blue dress and no shoes. And immediately ran toward Hillcrest, standing so close to the road that she was practically standing in traffic. She was trying to keep pace with Chi-chi's frantic moves and was running back and forth like some goalie at the World Cup. Except, she was totally out of shape and was trying to cover about four times the size of a normal goal!

At first, I thought we were a team. She was protecting the road, all "good cop" style, and I was flushing out the perp.**

Then she started yelling something about someone bringing 'the dog out of the car to "attract"' this overgrown rat-dog-thing.

The dog, meanwhile, is running in circles between crazy DW, me and Mike, who is about 30 feet behind me, sitting outside the car, criss-cross-applesauce, just watching the three-ring circus performers do their stuff.

Then, entering ring number four, is the "attractive" dog the DW seemed to think was the key to this whole mess. It is standing behind me, in middle of the residential street, attached to some poor guy who appeared out of the DW's car.

Rabbit-dog is now on high state of adrenaline mixed with "that other dog is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN ME!!!!" and is running between all four of us.

That's when rabbit-dog decides the best, safest place for him is in the middle of rush-hour traffic on Hillcrest.

And then the yelling starts. DW is frantically, REPEATEDLY, screaming "MOVE BACK. YOU'RE SCARING IT!!!" And, she is trying to cover about 50 feet of sidewalk, by herself, to keep the dog from returning to impending doom.

Literally, I had NO IDEA she was yelling at me. But, guess what? Stupid rabbit-dog is now wild-eyed berserk crossed with speed addict because, guess what? It thought she was yelling at HIM!!!!!

That's when I had a brain flash that this woman was "one of those".*** And, simultaneously, I realized "HOLY SHIT. SHE'S YELLING AT ME."

Instead of a snarky comment, my brain immediately went "Fine, Dog Whisperer Lady. If you want to kill this little beast, feel free." And I backed up.

And, guess what? She was completely incapable of guarding all 50 feet of sidewalk and that little dog raced back across Hillcrest to the other side.

By this time, we were all back in the car, shaking our collective heads, wondering how the rescue that started with sweet kissie sounds went so awry.

We circled the neighborhood and located another sweet elderly lady who stopped when the dog bolted in front of her truck. Alas, perp-dog had gone into someones backyard through a wrought iron fence.

DW? Did she circle back around and check on the dog? HELL NO.

All I have to say is "Girl. You got yourself some issues. And I don't think they are all dog related. Yelling at someone trying to assist and freaking out the being you are trying to help is just plain stupid. So, to borrow and old phrase, HERE'S YOUR SIGN."

It will be in the mailbox, should you ever decide to come by and pick it up.


*I don't know for certain because, like plagues, I avoid smallish, insanely bark-y dogs I could crush with my hind end if we met on the sofa under sad circumstances.

**I play a delicious "bad cop", if I do say so myself.

***First hint the DW had NO CLUE: when her dog was adding insult to injury and she was screaming at ME!

****Dog crazy. Kiss your dog on the lips crazy. My dog can do no wrong insane. And there just ain't no reasoning with someone like that when a dog's life is in jeopardy.