It's the Holiday Season

A good friend of mine sends me the following commentary: "I have come to the conclusion that I need to buy a new belt. A new belt that's a little bit longer. I am sort of OK with that."

I feel her pain. I've worked hard to gain the weight I've put on in the last three months. Cripe. I've EARNED it.

As soon as I finish reading my friend's message, I sprint out the door. Carpool time!

As I am backing out, I notice the gate opener is not in its usual place. I search the other visor, the console and the passenger seat. No controller.

I jam the car into "Park", run back into the house and shout "MIKE! Do you know where the gate opener is?"

His response: "In the seat?!" The answer is more than laced with sarcasm.

Not one to back down in the sarcasm-response department I yell back: "So you mean to tell me my butt* has gotten so big that I couldn't feel the remote when I sat on it?" My voice creates a nervous, pseudo-laugh as I yell this.

Response from somewhere in the bowels of the house: "YUP."

I don't have time to argue the point about him thinking my butt is big, given his response.

Now back in the car, remote returned to its upright and locked position, I listen to a news report. I hear that a man has been arrested for pinching the butt of a lady in line ahead of him. Problem is, the posterior he chose to squeeze is attached to a female cop. IN UNIFORM. Um, DUH?!?!

To this very odd little person who needs an education on uniforms I say: Mister? If you feel the need to pinch a little arse, you really should pick someone like me.

Someone whose bottom is so buried in fat that it has surpassed the ability to feel the remote I just sat on.

To my belt-challenged friend: I salute you, sister of the traveling Oreo ball! I feel your pain during this calorie-laden, fat-inducing season. And I'm 100% behind** any ideas we might come up with at lunch tomorrow*** to get control of our wayward bodies in 2010.

But we must be quick--BEFORE someone decides to get all fresh with me and my larger-than-life hiney.



*Not the word I used. I'm attempting to tame the cussing beast and am starting with the written word. Before it costs me quarters. Starting in a measly 15 days.

**Pun only partially intended.

***Dessert not optional. It's Christmastime, by golly!