The updated Wedding Song

Overheard in the car today, all three Nowell boys present to participate (though some knew the lyrics better than others)

"Here comes the bride, all big and wide*."

Now, back in the dark ages, when I was sub-10-years-old, that was pretty much the end of the lyrics. The rest was just hummed to the wedding march. Now that we have left THAT century, the newer generation of kids has started waxing poetic on this oldie-but-goodie.

It continued: "Where is the groom? He's in the bathroom."

At this point, I figured this had started bad and was racing downhill like a bobsledder in the Olympic trials. What WAS that bad boy doing in the bathroom? I didn't have the chance to ask.

"Why is he there? He's in his underwear."

Now, I did feel the need to cover my ears, eyes and mouth, all monkey-like**. This couldn't be recovered, could it?

So I asked "Why is the groom in the bathroom without any pants?"

I just recently learned that logic is being taught at one of my son's schools, starting this year, THANK YOU LORD, because this was the response:

"Because a hobo*** stole his pants." Said with ATTITUDE like "DUH. Mom."

So, DUH-MOM, had to ask "But why would a hobo steal somebody's pants?"

MORE 'tude "Because the hobo didn't HAVE ANY."

OHHH YEAH. PERFECTLY logical. Glad I'm paying private school prices for my kid's educations.

So, if I'm following the logic:
At a private wedding between a fat woman and a man who seems pretty weak to me, a hobo breaks into the festivities, steals the groom's pants, and leaves him in his underwear in the loo??

I just had to ask "So what happens next? Do they get married?" The suspense was eating me alive.

One brother "Well, yes, but he's standing in his underwear in front of everyone and after they talk he runs away and is never seen again. He's too embarrassed."

Another brother "YEAH. He's naked." Laughing. "NAKED, naked, NAKED." Laughing hysterically, obviously forgetting our groom HAS underwear on. "Naked." Chanting now. HICK. Too much laughing for him = wicked hiccups. He finally stops the "naked" conversation because it's now coming out like "Na-HICK-ked." And it sounds REALLY stupid.

Last brother "Yeah, they get married, by the pastor, in front of everybody." Completely nonplussed by the poor dude without pants.

That song will never be the same for me.

I just hope, when the boys get married, we remember to hire security to guard against crazy, pants-deficient, wedding-crashing hobos.



*Come on, sing along. You know you WANT to!

**Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil....

***Note to self: teach them politically-correct term "HOMELESS PERSON".