I must have somehow gone temporarily mad when I signed up for the women's retreat at my new church.
Actually, I was temporarily exhausted and at my wit's end with how we were going to go make fall happen in our house. At that point, I still couldn't wrap my mind around how our four adult arms and four adult legs were going to get everyone everywhere they needed to be. AND intact and sane, that is. I figured this would be my stretch goal: if I was still alive come November 13th, I owed it to myself to go on this retreat and relax.
I attempted, that ill-fated day, to convince one of the Moms I quasi-knew to join me. With hope in my heart that she'd be signing up the following, and last, weekend, I penned my name and handed over my credit card.
Turned out, my newish friend couldn't attend. I was completely on my own.
Now I know some people who would have taken this as a challenge and made up some game against themselves where they attempted to get to know five people they didn't know when they arrived on Friday.
Me? I'm kinda a one-trick pony. I generally like to go with a smallish group of people and stick kind of close. If I don't quickly find someone warming up to my warped personality, I engross myself in reading, writing, and napping. That's not all bad, but it certainly doesn't fit the concept behind the weekend.*
I'm going with the attitude "What the heck?" and, I'm sure, will get to know some of the other lovely ladies at the church. I'm not going to put myself full-out-there unless I've had at least one glass of liquid courage** OR so much chocolate I'm running on a pure sugar high.
So, I'm starting at the neighborhood Exxon. Where I intend to buy one of every kind of chocolate known to man.
I think that should probably do it. That and my bottle of Fetzer.....
*UNLESS, this happened to be a silent retreat. I checked. It isn't.
**The antithesis to my time in Baptist land? On our checklist of things to bring: a bottle of wine. Wine glass optional, but only to distinguish your fermented grapes from that of your neighbor. OH YEAH!
Showing posts with label candy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label candy. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Hello, Gorgeous!
"Do you remember the 21st night of September
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away."
If you haven't gotten your groove on with Earth, Wind and Fire lately, now is THE DAY. Log on to You Tube, search for "September", close the shades, and get down, get funky! I double dog dare you NOT to dance.
When September rolls around and August is but a distant memory*, I start fantasizing about Fall. I am all about Fall. Who could be against a season filled with cooler weather, longer sleep periods and FOOD?
When I think about all the things I love about Fall, I think, "HEY! I was really supposed to be a BEAR! I have the extra chubbiness, love salmon, and think there is nothing better than a good nap. Hibernation, frankly, sounds excellent."
But, since I'm no Yogi, I'll stay in the present and get thinking about all the good things I'm looking forward to:
1. brisk air in the morning when I first open the door to let the dogs out.
2. watching the leaves turn different colors and gracefully dance to their new homes on the ground.
3. the first whiff of a fireplace in the neighborhood being used.
4. finally being able to wear my winter slippers around the house without being questioned by the neighbor kids, who wonder aloud, "Mrs. Nowell? WHAT are you WEARING?"
Fall food? In a word: GLORIOUS! Funnel cakes at the State Fair, Chili pie at football games, Halloween candy**, Thanksgiving pies, homemade Christmas candy and cookies. Good gracious, I'm gaining weight just typing this!
August around here is supposed to end with a rather cool day for Dallas--highs in the upper 80's. That is close enough to Fall weather for me. I'll be breaking out sweaters and leggings next week, at least in my mind.
For today, though, I'll be breaking into my best 70's R&B funk, complete with singing and getting in the groove. Maybe it will make Fall come FASTER?!
"Ba de ya - say do you remember?
Ba de ya - dancing in september?
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day?"
Yeah Fall!
*Read: on the first of September, in my failing mind, August IS a distant memory.
**This may be my only annoyance about Fall: stores have this cockamamie idea that we should start celebrating Halloween in August, Thanksgiving in September, and Christmas in October. Can't we just leave the holidays where they belong??
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away."
If you haven't gotten your groove on with Earth, Wind and Fire lately, now is THE DAY. Log on to You Tube, search for "September", close the shades, and get down, get funky! I double dog dare you NOT to dance.
When September rolls around and August is but a distant memory*, I start fantasizing about Fall. I am all about Fall. Who could be against a season filled with cooler weather, longer sleep periods and FOOD?
When I think about all the things I love about Fall, I think, "HEY! I was really supposed to be a BEAR! I have the extra chubbiness, love salmon, and think there is nothing better than a good nap. Hibernation, frankly, sounds excellent."
But, since I'm no Yogi, I'll stay in the present and get thinking about all the good things I'm looking forward to:
1. brisk air in the morning when I first open the door to let the dogs out.
2. watching the leaves turn different colors and gracefully dance to their new homes on the ground.
3. the first whiff of a fireplace in the neighborhood being used.
4. finally being able to wear my winter slippers around the house without being questioned by the neighbor kids, who wonder aloud, "Mrs. Nowell? WHAT are you WEARING?"
Fall food? In a word: GLORIOUS! Funnel cakes at the State Fair, Chili pie at football games, Halloween candy**, Thanksgiving pies, homemade Christmas candy and cookies. Good gracious, I'm gaining weight just typing this!
August around here is supposed to end with a rather cool day for Dallas--highs in the upper 80's. That is close enough to Fall weather for me. I'll be breaking out sweaters and leggings next week, at least in my mind.
For today, though, I'll be breaking into my best 70's R&B funk, complete with singing and getting in the groove. Maybe it will make Fall come FASTER?!
"Ba de ya - say do you remember?
Ba de ya - dancing in september?
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day?"
Yeah Fall!
*Read: on the first of September, in my failing mind, August IS a distant memory.
**This may be my only annoyance about Fall: stores have this cockamamie idea that we should start celebrating Halloween in August, Thanksgiving in September, and Christmas in October. Can't we just leave the holidays where they belong??
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Nectar of the Gods
"Hi. My name is Jill. And I'm an addict."
"Hi, Jill."
"It's been (looking at my watch) two hours and two minutes since I had sugar."
The audience gasps. One man hangs his head ashamed for me. I look around the room wondering if I can get ahold of sugar before I hit the two hour and thirty minute mark.
YUP, readers. You're hearing it first. I'm a sugar addict.
I think of sugar the way Bubba thought of shrimp in Forrest Gump. Brown sugar, white sugar, cane sugar, honey sugar, maple sugar...the list is long and it is YUMMY.
In fact, as I was thinking about sugar*, I COMPLETELY understand why I'm altogether addicted to it. Check out the short list of things made with sugar I don't like:
1. Licorice. When a candy is so heinous that giant board game maker, Milton Bradley, names a bad guy after it, that must mean I join A LOT of people hatin' on licorice.**
2. Tiramisu. Never got this one, taste or texture wise. Considering it combines both sugar AND liquor, you'd think I'd be a raving fan.
3. Tapioca pudding. It's the tapioca, not the pudding, that kills it for me.
4. Root beer. My cousin once shot this stuff out of his nose at a holiday gathering because he was laughing so hard. Never been the same since.
THAT'S IT. Everything else is fair game! Sadly, that's why I have a telling paunch in my mid-section that disapproves of the little tango of love I do with the Nectar of the Gods.
You'd think, by now, I'd have given up sugar for good, since I've done it SO MANY TIMES. Truth be told, I've tried to do without it almost every Lent since my mid-20's***. I've always started giving up the sweet stuff in Lent because 40 days is enough time to cleanse my body of all the built-up sugar goo. It also has a hard deadline: Easter. The bad thing about Lent is that the deadline IS Easter, one of the three biggest candy holidays known to civilization. After doing without it's syrupy goodness for so long, it never seems like it will "hurt" to have a little piece of the traditional "Bunny cake" I make every year. Or a Cadbury egg. Or a couple of Peeps*.
Problem is, I fall off the wagon easily. It only takes a little, itty bit of sugar to cascade me back into a position of my life being dominated by sucrose.
Looking at the calendar, if I start now, I could leave my sweet lover for awhile and try to move forward without him for a Lent-length of time. Let's see, that would be quitting until early October. Then I'd have to make it through the State Fair (funnel cakes), Halloween (candy and candy apples), Thanksgiving (pie), Christmas (Mrs. Johnson's toffee), and Valentine's Day (truffles), before getting to Lent again.
WOW! That's one heck of a hurdle.....
I'll get started, right after I finish my cane-sweetened, high-fructose injected Coca-Cola.
"Hi. I'm Jill."
*And consuming it, as well.
**Lord Licorice, from Candy Land.
***There was that one, miserable year, after my divorce, that I gave up sugar, caffeine, AND chocolate. There are still people licking wounds from that stroke of genius.
*I hate Peeps, as a rule, because they have a shelf-life equivalent to a Twinkie (which IS NOT a compliment.) HOWEVER, if nothing else with sugar is available, I'll stoop to Peep level.
"Hi, Jill."
"It's been (looking at my watch) two hours and two minutes since I had sugar."
The audience gasps. One man hangs his head ashamed for me. I look around the room wondering if I can get ahold of sugar before I hit the two hour and thirty minute mark.
YUP, readers. You're hearing it first. I'm a sugar addict.
I think of sugar the way Bubba thought of shrimp in Forrest Gump. Brown sugar, white sugar, cane sugar, honey sugar, maple sugar...the list is long and it is YUMMY.
In fact, as I was thinking about sugar*, I COMPLETELY understand why I'm altogether addicted to it. Check out the short list of things made with sugar I don't like:
1. Licorice. When a candy is so heinous that giant board game maker, Milton Bradley, names a bad guy after it, that must mean I join A LOT of people hatin' on licorice.**
2. Tiramisu. Never got this one, taste or texture wise. Considering it combines both sugar AND liquor, you'd think I'd be a raving fan.
3. Tapioca pudding. It's the tapioca, not the pudding, that kills it for me.
4. Root beer. My cousin once shot this stuff out of his nose at a holiday gathering because he was laughing so hard. Never been the same since.
THAT'S IT. Everything else is fair game! Sadly, that's why I have a telling paunch in my mid-section that disapproves of the little tango of love I do with the Nectar of the Gods.
You'd think, by now, I'd have given up sugar for good, since I've done it SO MANY TIMES. Truth be told, I've tried to do without it almost every Lent since my mid-20's***. I've always started giving up the sweet stuff in Lent because 40 days is enough time to cleanse my body of all the built-up sugar goo. It also has a hard deadline: Easter. The bad thing about Lent is that the deadline IS Easter, one of the three biggest candy holidays known to civilization. After doing without it's syrupy goodness for so long, it never seems like it will "hurt" to have a little piece of the traditional "Bunny cake" I make every year. Or a Cadbury egg. Or a couple of Peeps*.
Problem is, I fall off the wagon easily. It only takes a little, itty bit of sugar to cascade me back into a position of my life being dominated by sucrose.
Looking at the calendar, if I start now, I could leave my sweet lover for awhile and try to move forward without him for a Lent-length of time. Let's see, that would be quitting until early October. Then I'd have to make it through the State Fair (funnel cakes), Halloween (candy and candy apples), Thanksgiving (pie), Christmas (Mrs. Johnson's toffee), and Valentine's Day (truffles), before getting to Lent again.
WOW! That's one heck of a hurdle.....
I'll get started, right after I finish my cane-sweetened, high-fructose injected Coca-Cola.
"Hi. I'm Jill."
*And consuming it, as well.
**Lord Licorice, from Candy Land.
***There was that one, miserable year, after my divorce, that I gave up sugar, caffeine, AND chocolate. There are still people licking wounds from that stroke of genius.
*I hate Peeps, as a rule, because they have a shelf-life equivalent to a Twinkie (which IS NOT a compliment.) HOWEVER, if nothing else with sugar is available, I'll stoop to Peep level.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The joys of chocolate
I have a friend who, a few weeks before her birthday, requests a chocolate cake. This may sound like a big deal to those of you who don't bake, but her taste in cake and frosting is simple: she wants nothing more than a box cake topped with a tub of frosting. I, being the baker in the group, and a chocoholic myself, always volunteer to make her cake. I do it out of love for her, but it also guarantees I get a piece of cake* AND, most importantly, that I get to see her near her birthday.
I understand my friend's desire for chocolate because I could eat my weight in the stuff then go back for more. Not only do I enjoy eating all versions of the cocoa bean, I also crave the divine scent. I'm so crazy about it that I once paid a fortune to have a "chocolate facial"**/***. Sadly, the whole wonderful event almost ended in me tackling the esthetician and pouring the contents of her bowl down my gullet just before the police arrived to arrest me****. Thankfully, I found some restraint before this whole, ugly scenario played out.
Armed with this information, you'll understand that I can empathize with an acquaintance who had a similar chocolate addiction. Her problem was that she couldn't keep any of her FIVE***** children out of her chocolate.
You see, she was a single Mom whose job required her to work shifts that caused her to arrive home well after her children had been dropped off by the bus. This left them, like bloodhounds at a fox hunt, to single-handedly dismantle the house to find whatever chocolate goodies Mom had purchased. And, dismantle they did!
You will then understand the desperation this woman felt. Her personal stash of M&M's was being devoured before she could even see if they really would melt in her hand. This was a tragedy of Greek proportions. So, she took matters into her own hands. Momma-style.
She gathered her progeny together in the kitchen and lined them up in front of her. Without saying a word, she carefully clipped open a new two pound-bag of the crunchy, melty discs and took one out. Then, she stuck it up her nose.
Yes, chocolate lovers. She desecrated the chocolate by sticking it up her sniffer.
What happened next was sheer Mom genius, deserving of a Noble prize and a standing ovation: she held the top of the bag wide open, aimed her nose at it, and SHOT THE M&M straight back into the bag. Then, she held the bag shut and SHOOK IT.
Mustering restraint only Mothers can conjure up when they are about to go homicidal, she explained that she didn't want ANYBODY, ever again, touching her M&M's. Then she walked away. Victorious.
Oh, yes, readers, the story really should end there. But it doesn't.
Do you know what those hellions did? They put their bony heads together and, working every collective brain cell she had birthed, figured out what COLOR that M&M was! And, then, the very next day, they found that bag and ate every M&M that couldn't have been shot out of their Mother's nose*******.
Oh, there just isn't a big enough paddle in this world for that kind of behavior.
I guess the consolation prize is that there are lessons to be learned from this story. Several take-aways, maybe:
1. if you ever become a contestant on a game show where you have to eat something totally random and gross, all you need do is mentally return to the snotty M&M's incident and you'll have the ammunition to beat the pants off your opponents.
2. five heads are better than one because someone is always paying attention to the details so you can figure out how to pull one over on your Mom.
3. and, most importantly, there is no such thing as bad chocolate. Even if it has been exposed to boogers.
Me? I've never quite looked at M&M's the same. Which explains why people look at me like I'm insane when I laugh absurdly upon opening a bag of them.
Though, I've never stopped to explain the laughing to the puzzled onlookers. I'm too busy inhaling the ambrosial scent and getting all manic on the little morsels of wonderfulness.
Chocolate, oh, chocolate. How I love thee!
*I NEVER miss an opportunity to gain weight!
**Under no circumstances should you have a chocolate facial if you are on a diet, between meals, or premenstrual. It is a recipe for disaster.
***Small nations have Gross Domestic Products equal to or lesser than the price of this facial. Oh, to have TRUE disposable income again....
****I'm sure the chemicals in the concoction would have killed me well before my attorney could have arrived (see Note below).
Note: I don't actually have an attorney. It just sounded good.
******Those of you who pity me for having three, take note. I'm not the most frazzled Mom in the universe.
*******Truly, there is a statistics problem here: "What is the probability, IF your Mother put a red M&M up her nose, and you randomly drew a candy out of the bag, that you would end up with an M&M that you couldn't eat?"
I understand my friend's desire for chocolate because I could eat my weight in the stuff then go back for more. Not only do I enjoy eating all versions of the cocoa bean, I also crave the divine scent. I'm so crazy about it that I once paid a fortune to have a "chocolate facial"**/***. Sadly, the whole wonderful event almost ended in me tackling the esthetician and pouring the contents of her bowl down my gullet just before the police arrived to arrest me****. Thankfully, I found some restraint before this whole, ugly scenario played out.
Armed with this information, you'll understand that I can empathize with an acquaintance who had a similar chocolate addiction. Her problem was that she couldn't keep any of her FIVE***** children out of her chocolate.
You see, she was a single Mom whose job required her to work shifts that caused her to arrive home well after her children had been dropped off by the bus. This left them, like bloodhounds at a fox hunt, to single-handedly dismantle the house to find whatever chocolate goodies Mom had purchased. And, dismantle they did!
You will then understand the desperation this woman felt. Her personal stash of M&M's was being devoured before she could even see if they really would melt in her hand. This was a tragedy of Greek proportions. So, she took matters into her own hands. Momma-style.
She gathered her progeny together in the kitchen and lined them up in front of her. Without saying a word, she carefully clipped open a new two pound-bag of the crunchy, melty discs and took one out. Then, she stuck it up her nose.
Yes, chocolate lovers. She desecrated the chocolate by sticking it up her sniffer.
What happened next was sheer Mom genius, deserving of a Noble prize and a standing ovation: she held the top of the bag wide open, aimed her nose at it, and SHOT THE M&M straight back into the bag. Then, she held the bag shut and SHOOK IT.
Mustering restraint only Mothers can conjure up when they are about to go homicidal, she explained that she didn't want ANYBODY, ever again, touching her M&M's. Then she walked away. Victorious.
Oh, yes, readers, the story really should end there. But it doesn't.
Do you know what those hellions did? They put their bony heads together and, working every collective brain cell she had birthed, figured out what COLOR that M&M was! And, then, the very next day, they found that bag and ate every M&M that couldn't have been shot out of their Mother's nose*******.
Oh, there just isn't a big enough paddle in this world for that kind of behavior.
I guess the consolation prize is that there are lessons to be learned from this story. Several take-aways, maybe:
1. if you ever become a contestant on a game show where you have to eat something totally random and gross, all you need do is mentally return to the snotty M&M's incident and you'll have the ammunition to beat the pants off your opponents.
2. five heads are better than one because someone is always paying attention to the details so you can figure out how to pull one over on your Mom.
3. and, most importantly, there is no such thing as bad chocolate. Even if it has been exposed to boogers.
Me? I've never quite looked at M&M's the same. Which explains why people look at me like I'm insane when I laugh absurdly upon opening a bag of them.
Though, I've never stopped to explain the laughing to the puzzled onlookers. I'm too busy inhaling the ambrosial scent and getting all manic on the little morsels of wonderfulness.
Chocolate, oh, chocolate. How I love thee!
*I NEVER miss an opportunity to gain weight!
**Under no circumstances should you have a chocolate facial if you are on a diet, between meals, or premenstrual. It is a recipe for disaster.
***Small nations have Gross Domestic Products equal to or lesser than the price of this facial. Oh, to have TRUE disposable income again....
****I'm sure the chemicals in the concoction would have killed me well before my attorney could have arrived (see Note below).
Note: I don't actually have an attorney. It just sounded good.
******Those of you who pity me for having three, take note. I'm not the most frazzled Mom in the universe.
*******Truly, there is a statistics problem here: "What is the probability, IF your Mother put a red M&M up her nose, and you randomly drew a candy out of the bag, that you would end up with an M&M that you couldn't eat?"
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