The joys of chocolate

I have a friend who, a few weeks before her birthday, requests a chocolate cake. This may sound like a big deal to those of you who don't bake, but her taste in cake and frosting is simple: she wants nothing more than a box cake topped with a tub of frosting. I, being the baker in the group, and a chocoholic myself, always volunteer to make her cake. I do it out of love for her, but it also guarantees I get a piece of cake* AND, most importantly, that I get to see her near her birthday.

I understand my friend's desire for chocolate because I could eat my weight in the stuff then go back for more. Not only do I enjoy eating all versions of the cocoa bean, I also crave the divine scent. I'm so crazy about it that I once paid a fortune to have a "chocolate facial"**/***. Sadly, the whole wonderful event almost ended in me tackling the esthetician and pouring the contents of her bowl down my gullet just before the police arrived to arrest me****. Thankfully, I found some restraint before this whole, ugly scenario played out.

Armed with this information, you'll understand that I can empathize with an acquaintance who had a similar chocolate addiction. Her problem was that she couldn't keep any of her FIVE***** children out of her chocolate.

You see, she was a single Mom whose job required her to work shifts that caused her to arrive home well after her children had been dropped off by the bus. This left them, like bloodhounds at a fox hunt, to single-handedly dismantle the house to find whatever chocolate goodies Mom had purchased. And, dismantle they did!

You will then understand the desperation this woman felt. Her personal stash of M&M's was being devoured before she could even see if they really would melt in her hand. This was a tragedy of Greek proportions. So, she took matters into her own hands. Momma-style.

She gathered her progeny together in the kitchen and lined them up in front of her. Without saying a word, she carefully clipped open a new two pound-bag of the crunchy, melty discs and took one out. Then, she stuck it up her nose.

Yes, chocolate lovers. She desecrated the chocolate by sticking it up her sniffer.

What happened next was sheer Mom genius, deserving of a Noble prize and a standing ovation: she held the top of the bag wide open, aimed her nose at it, and SHOT THE M&M straight back into the bag. Then, she held the bag shut and SHOOK IT.

Mustering restraint only Mothers can conjure up when they are about to go homicidal, she explained that she didn't want ANYBODY, ever again, touching her M&M's. Then she walked away. Victorious.

Oh, yes, readers, the story really should end there. But it doesn't.

Do you know what those hellions did? They put their bony heads together and, working every collective brain cell she had birthed, figured out what COLOR that M&M was! And, then, the very next day, they found that bag and ate every M&M that couldn't have been shot out of their Mother's nose*******.

Oh, there just isn't a big enough paddle in this world for that kind of behavior.

I guess the consolation prize is that there are lessons to be learned from this story. Several take-aways, maybe:

1. if you ever become a contestant on a game show where you have to eat something totally random and gross, all you need do is mentally return to the snotty M&M's incident and you'll have the ammunition to beat the pants off your opponents.

2. five heads are better than one because someone is always paying attention to the details so you can figure out how to pull one over on your Mom.

3. and, most importantly, there is no such thing as bad chocolate. Even if it has been exposed to boogers.

Me? I've never quite looked at M&M's the same. Which explains why people look at me like I'm insane when I laugh absurdly upon opening a bag of them.

Though, I've never stopped to explain the laughing to the puzzled onlookers. I'm too busy inhaling the ambrosial scent and getting all manic on the little morsels of wonderfulness.

Chocolate, oh, chocolate. How I love thee!




*I NEVER miss an opportunity to gain weight!

**Under no circumstances should you have a chocolate facial if you are on a diet, between meals, or premenstrual. It is a recipe for disaster.

***Small nations have Gross Domestic Products equal to or lesser than the price of this facial. Oh, to have TRUE disposable income again....

****I'm sure the chemicals in the concoction would have killed me well before my attorney could have arrived (see Note below).

Note: I don't actually have an attorney. It just sounded good.

******Those of you who pity me for having three, take note. I'm not the most frazzled Mom in the universe.

*******Truly, there is a statistics problem here: "What is the probability, IF your Mother put a red M&M up her nose, and you randomly drew a candy out of the bag, that you would end up with an M&M that you couldn't eat?"