Separated at Birth

Sometimes, I cruise around to other people's blogs to amuse myself. And, frankly, to dredge up good ideas about how to ridicule myself for your pleasure.
It's hard work. But, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

A couple of the blogs I scope out are written by people I've known for several years since attending church with them in the previous century. I console myself with their blogs to keep up with their lives since Nowell-people can't seem to plan ahead enough to see anyone who doesn't 1) live directly on our block or 2) go through the same carpool lines or 3) spend half their lives/paychecks at the local Whole Foods.

The other two "regular" blog haunts are written by people I have no relationship with AT ALL. They just happen to be some of the funniest women on planet Earth and my stretch goal is to someday meet at least one, if not both, of them. Over drinks and fattening food.

So, today, I was at Jen Lancaster's blog (www.jennsylvania.com). I've mentioned her before, if you've been reading this long enough, and she merits mentioning again.

Because I know she HATES IT when people steal her writing, I am posting the following disclaimer so there is a bat's chance in Hell of meeting her someday and not getting pummeled by her designer bag when she figures out I am the one who posted her stuff and accidentally, through omission, took credit for it.

Here goes:
THIS IS FROM JEN LANCASTER'S BLOG. I DIDN'T WRITE IT. I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR IT. BUT, IT WAS TOO STINKIN' FUNNY NOT TO SHARE. AND, IT REEKS OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME, IF I WERE AN AMBIEN POPPER.

Now you may proceed to read. Just don't go drinking something hot while reading this because it will make you laugh, which will create the probability that hot liquid will come flying out of your mouth, which will create the possibility that you will burn your body. And I don't have time for your lawsuit.
Capice?

***********************BEGINNING OF JEN'S POST**********************
Finally, I thought I had my whole Ambien thing under control. I'm much better now about getting my dumb ass directly into bed after taking it and I haven't done any shopping under its influence in ages. However, a couple of nights ago I took my pill and then had a cup of decaf ginger lemon tea. (Sidenote: in addition to a lot of questionable wallpaper, the new house has a boiling water tap and now I drink 9,000 cups of tea a day, less because I love tea and more because I'm bowled over by the convenience.)

Point?

It would seem the act of drinking a boiling hot beverage caused the Ambien tablet to flood my system all at once and I began to full-on hallucinate. (Sidenote: not unenjoyable.) Fletch said he tried to kiss me good night and I stopped him, claiming he looked different. I accused him of having turned his face to rubber. Then, I'm told, I pinned him down and started to work my hands like sock puppets and explaining I needed "to use my crab pincers" to "rearrange your Stretch Armstrong face."

He escaped and went outside to have a glass of wine in lieu of me trying to mold his cheeks into interesting shapes.

I think it's possible that I'm the reason he drinks.

*********************END OF JEN'S POST*************************

See? Separated at birth.