Ambiguously Gay

I know someone who is most definitely ambiguously gay. He is so A.G. that I don't even think HE knows which way to go. I've known him for at least 10 years now and there has never been a hint of a girl OR boy friend in all that time. The closest I ever get is "Me and my friend, soandso, went to the movies with another guy."

All I ever want to ask is "Did you kiss one of them afterwards?" because the suspense is KILLING me.

I'm sure it's killing him, too.

Which brings me to today's subject: Saturday Night Live*.

I have been a fan of this show ever since the "Wild and Crazy Guys" were on in the late 70's/early 80's. Some of my favorite political jokes have come from the "Weekend Update".** And, if I know that Justin Timberlake or Kim Basinger's ex-squeeze are on, I will DVR the event for a bladder-splitting laugh.

But, above almost every skit ever done on that show, there are two that make me laugh just by the sheer mention of their names: More Cow Bell and Schweddy Balls.

So, the other night, during cousin's camp, I had hit a point of "Someone, anyone, PLEASE relieve me of my duties as sheepherder. If I hear anymore bleating, one of these kids is going to get a crook to the back of the head."

We had just enjoyed time in the pool prior to my impending mental break and I was trying to stop the next argument about who was going to get the coveted Spiderman towel.

Now, you would think, with all the clean laundry hanging around this house in baskets, that I could have found four white, plain towels. No dice. So, I gave the superhero towel to the Babe. It practically covered him from neck to toe and he was digging the scene.

Then another swimmer spotted its webalicious goodness and started acting like an ape in heat. "I want the Spiderman towel. It's mine."

The yank that spun the Babe around like a 50's-era top and dropped him to the ground was, in a word, impressive. But, also, altogether improper manners.

After assessing the damage and gently*** reminding the culprit that his brother shouldn't be treated that way, I sent the instigator to bed. He, away from all the noise, excitement, and activity of the week, settled into a much-needed 1.5 hour nap, after much gnashing of teeth and a kid-size lecture to me on the "Unfairness of Mommy."****

By this time, I felt like I was going through menopause. I was on FIRE. I honestly hate to sweat, so this was beyond uncomfortable. It was a moment, caught in a TV ad, where you shouldn't raise your hand lest you take down those within ten feet of your pits.

And, right then, I ran into Mike. He needed the "update", as he was conveniently perched in his office for this entire episode, and wanted to know what was "up."*****

I looked him right in the eye and said "I'm schweddy." We both burst into tears when he said "So you have 'Schweddy Balls'?" Juvenile? Yes. Sheer, Alec Baldwin, genius. Absolutely!

Thus, broke the tension and my lousy attitude. None of the little sheep were any worse for the wear and, as I lay in the bed that night wondering "What the HECK is that odor?"******, I realized: I MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY AS A MOM.

Woo and hoo. Can I have my shower now?



*I am way overly impressed with my ability to transition on this one. Someone, please, poke a pin in my overblown head before it explodes.

**Sadly, most of my nightly news has come from the same skit.

***You act like an ape, you get ape Mom gentle. CPS might not have approved. But, BONUS! The Dallas Zoo would have.

****Yes, it stinks that you can't have the exact same Spiderman towel that I bought back in the 90's at some random Wal-Mart. I'm really considering going on EBay to see if I can pay $50 + shipping to get you one, too, so you won't feel left out. NOT!

*****Um, sky, stars, blah, blah. Have I mentioned that my response to stress, menstrual cycles, and life, in general, is SARCASM? Bet you guessed that already, huh?

******I was lying, hands under head, pits exposed. A not-so-gentle reminder that I needed to bathe after the brother gripe-fest.