I had to call "311" today because the signal light on the school zone sign was out and people were flying through the area, talking on cell phones, generally making a hazard out of a 20mph swath of concrete. And, most importantly, I was having a hard time making a right out of the parking lot to get home*.
Yes, I'm the kind of person who reports these things. I also call 911 on a fairly regular basis. I kind of feel compelled to report such things as**:
1. Motorcyclists who go down the Bush 80+mph doing wheelies. Also, the same type of idiot on Central Expressway.
2. Two kids in a Mercedes, in the left turn lane about to get on the Tollway, who are smoking weed***.
3. Men in pick-up trucks who are drinking beer at 10am, throwing cans out of the windows of the vehicle in an attempt to disguise the fact that they are stinkin' drunk, and bouncing off the backs of other cars.
Yeah, somehow, I manage to be "there" just in the nick of time. Like some kind of pudgy superhero. Without a cape. And no ability to fly.
Back in my elementary, Junior High or High Schools days, this would have been labeled telling, tattling, narking, snitching, or squealing. Today, it has become my "civic duty".
In fact, when I call 911, I expect the conversation to go something like this:
Operator: "911. What's your emergency? Oh, HI, Mrs. Nowell!"
Me: "Hey! How are you? Is this Tabitha?"
Operator: "No. It's Laverne. What's shakin'?"
Me: "Well, there's another tire in the road on 635. Fourth time this week."
Operator: "Geez. It's amazing that you are the ONLY ONE to call these things in. Do you have some sort of super power?"
Me: "No. Just a misplaced sense of duty and a lot of time in the car due to carpooling."
Operator: "I feel your pain. Crossroads?"
Me: "Preston and 635. Northbound side, going West. How are the kids?"
Operator: "Great. Harley just went to obedience school and he's a new dog. Barney is as rude as ever."
Me: "Give Harley a biscuit for me! What a sweet little dog."
Operator: "Anything else I can do for you?"
Me: "Naw. I'm sure I'll be calling again soon (uncomfortable laugh.)"
Operator: "You know we're here FOR YOU!"
Me: "Thanks. Have a great day."
Instead, it goes like
Operator: "911. What's your emergency?"
Me: "I think there's a drunk ahead of us."
Operator: "How can you tell?"
Me: "Every five feet he's weaving from one shoulder to the other and going 30mph in a 60."
Operator: "How long has he been doing this?"
Me: "Forty miles, since Tuscaloosa."
Operator: "HMM. Do you think he just dropped something on the floorboard?"
Me (covering the mouthpiece so I don't chortle in her ear): "UM. No. I think he's wasted."
Operator: "What's your location?"
Me: "I-10 and Smith Road. Can you send a police officer? I'm really concerned he's going to hit someone."
Operator: "Ma'am. Simmer down. The police are busy tending to other "real" emergencies right now****. We'll get one out asap."
Me: "So, in the meantime, should we try to pass this guy or continue the drive from Hades behind him. That is, us and the 500 cars bottled up behind us?"
Operator (slightly annoyed): "Ma'am. I can't tell you how to drive."
Me (using the best sarcasm I can muster): "OK, fine. Thanks for your help."
Operator (no clue I'm being sarcastic): "No problem. Thanks for calling 911"
Now, I'm sure there ARE people who call in dead squirrels in the middle of the street. Not me. I make sure this is a real life or potential death type of situation.
The true solution, of course, is to take up a career in law enforcement. The biggest problem is that I guarantee the belt o' weapons would absolutely make my hips look at least 10" bigger than they really are. Plus, I hate polyester. And, hat head? Really. Not happening.
Word to the police departments of the world: if you want me on your force (and who wouldn't?), PLEASE consult a cotton-producing institution of fashion and have them get working. I'm sure the weapons could go across my chest, all Girl Scout sash-like, and somehow act as a bra at the same time. And let's just can the hats and replace them with tiaras. The female officers will feel not only empowered but also FABULOUS.
Since I figure this has a bat's chance of actually happening, I guess I'll just stick to my cell phone, crime-fighting ways.
So, 911 operators, when you see my name pop up, please take note. I'm trying to collar the real criminals and idiots of this world, not just blow smoke to hear the sound of my own voice.
Really.
*If it becomes an inconvenience to me, I take action.
**Yes, every one of these things actually happened.
***How did I know? OOHH, that smell....
****Donut runs? Cleaning their patrol cars? What?
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