Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Breakfast Food Belongs on Plates

Forget Komen. The American Heart Association. Jerry's Kids.

I have a new not-for-profit that rises above any need, past, present, or future.

You see, I just had my annual mammogram done and I am still considering the length of time it will take for my breasts to stop looking like breakfast products that should be served with butter and syrup.

So, for those of you reading this, I am announcing the new, not-for-profit, soon-to-be-collecting-from-you: "PANCAKES UNITE".

As a woman who has been enduring this yearly ritual now for the past 18 years*, I have a little bit of knowledge about this process. It is a necessary evil, kind of like giving blood or birth.

This much I know about the big, cumbersome, pain-inducing machine they use to reduce tissue to paper-like thickness: if men had to endure this, there would be new technology TOMORROW.

So, my organization will focus on better ways to keep ourselves out of the vices of medical technology, in favor of a gentler, kinder way of doing business.

Any woman who has inadvertently scheduled her squishing session just prior to her monthly cycle will want to marry me, in a non-sexual kind of way. Men will honor my name as they will no longer have to hear their wives gripe about this injustice.

Man or woman, husband or wife, Father or Mother, this is a huge win-win.

So, if you are a budding entreprenuer, I want to hear from you. Just don't think I'm volunteering for any kind of research.

I already gave at the office.

*When you are 25 and have "abnormal" written on your chart right next to "breast", you get to start boob squashing 15 years ahead of all your friends. This is NOT an honor.

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