More Beautiful You

Today's post is very direct about weight, body image, and young girls.  I'm issuing a kleenex warning partially because I think this might hit nerves in some people.

Plus, I got a smackdown the last time I FORGOT to issue one...you know who you are and I love you!  And, I'm still sorry...
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Most of you know by now that I've been working on getting my body in better shape by losing some extra weight I've been carrying around for a few years.  In case you haven't been following my journey, I update every Wednesday on the right side of this blog page.

I don't know how long I will keep giving you the blow by blow on my weight loss because I don't know how long this downward (slightly upward the last two weeks) journey is going to last.  At this point, I'm a couple of weeks away from my online subscription to Weight Watchers expiring.  So, money is coming due.  And I don't know if I am willing to pony up the dough to keep counting points this way.  We'll see.

But, over Lent, and now post-Lent, I've been hyper-focused on food and weight loss, the scale and the mirror.

Now, mind you, this isn't a BAD thing in and of itself.  After all, changing my eating habits to shed a few pounds isn't criminal.  I'm not starving myself, not anorexic, not bulimic.  The scale is still my friend and the mirror is pretty friendly right now, too. 

All-in-all, this has been a worthwhile endeavor.  It has, though, focused my attention on societal views of body image.  And I've recently realized that my life offers a potpourri of body images to draw information from.

I've been it all:
skinny and fat
toned and flabby
in-shape and out-of-shape

I've seen people's opinion change as my weight moved down the scale.  I went from a girl invisible to a girl suddenly vibrant and seen.  Nothing had changed but my weight.  But, apparently in this world, skinny is better.

I've seen my opinion of other people change when my weight went up.  As I attempted to cocoon within my own fat, I suffered the nasty side effects of becoming hyper-sensitive and leery of people.  I became more critical and worried about what others would think.  It made sense, in my mind, that if people were more accepting of me as a skinny girl then they would become less accepting of me if I was fat.  So, if I wanted people to leave me alone?  I could get fat.

I've been the recipient of one of the meanest comments in the history of my world, made by my Great Grandmother, who was a bitter, sometimes spiteful, unhappy woman by the time I was 12 and her welcome statement to me was "My.  Haven't WE gotten fat?"  And though I've been to the foot of the throne hundreds of times reforgiving my offender when that comment returns to haunt me, I still can't understand how someone could be so cruel.

Over the course of my days, I've learned to disconnect from life and people by gaining weight.  Looking back, I didn't do it purposefully, as in "I'm going to gain some weight so people will leave me alone."  No, it has been more of a subconscious decision to take pleasure in food to try to soothe the pain, instead of turning to people and admitting my hurt.  Or, better yet, turning to God and crying out in my anguish.

During times of intense suffering I've found myself loathing the very food I was shoveling into my mouth with reckless abandon.  But, as with any addiction, the devil knows my buttons, the tender area in me that, once pushed, causes me to forget the pain I am inflicting on myself.   

Food has been my siren;  I'm drawn to it with an inexplicable desire.  It.is.an.addiction.for.me.

And because I've been fat and thin, I've observed that there is, most definitely, a bias against weight in this country.  And, though it is more pronounced against those who are really heavy, there is also a bias against those whose bodies are perfectly trim and those who have a naturally high metabolism. 

I want to be average when it comes to weight and size.  Or, better put, to be a size that seems right to me.  I want to stand out for the good things I've done for others and the witness I've been for Christ, not for what the scale does or doesn't say.
But the world has a very different agenda than mine.

And, when I think about the girls being brought up in our society now, I cringe.  It was tough being overweight and freckle-faced and teacher's pet 35 years ago.  But it has gotten exponentially worse on the girls of this world as the years have marched on.

Yet, there are those who are trying to stem this tide of unrelenting emphasis on beauty, to remind us that we are all beautiful in God's eyes, no matter our size or facial shape, skin color or height.   

No matter what century you grow up in, egos are fragile and people care what others think.  And what people say or don't say matters.

I want society to allow our little girls to be carefree.  I don't want them to have to worry about their weight, be it over norms or under them.  And I want them to grow into women who can't be reduced to a pile of mush by someones insensitivity.

I think maybe it is Nirvana or Heaven or a place called Perfection that I desire for our daughters.  But, since those places don't exist right now, we have to remember that so much of these attitudes start at home, where girls determine how well they are loved by their Daddies, which in terms helps them define how well God loves them.  And, if those relationships are intact, then girls stand a fighting chance against the evil in this world.

I'm not personally raising a girl.  That was God's great wisdom.  He knew I still had a little girl inside who needed to be raised.  He knew my attention had to be on myself, on my issues with body image, to conquer the demons of my past, instead of trying to control the demons of a daughter.

At 45, I am aiming to live the Jonny Diaz lyrics from his song "More Beautiful You". 

Lord help us all to realize what is REALLY important in this world.  And to see through the perfect vision of a little girl who has not yet been stained by life.


So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl