Wedded Blisters

So, I got a request to write a bit on the whole Kardashian/Humphries marriage blow-up.

At first, I declined to even give credence to the whole, sordid affair.  I think the media has this one covered, probably better than the wedding itself, all 10,000,000 dollars worth. But, then, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized there were lessons to be gleaned here.

And, interestingly, the fingers that are blaming Kim didn't resonate with me.  It was the fingers staring back at those who are pointing that hit me hard.  (If you don't get it, point at someone and see that there are fingers pointing "back" at you.)

So, some lessons to be learned when a marriage fails:

1.  We don't know other people's hearts.  Only the Lord does.  What matters, in matters of the heart, is that God is blessing the union.

2.  It is entirely possible for someone to find a perfect mate in a very short period of time;  Mike and I are on the list of examples.*

In my experience, when you get comfortable with being alone, just you and God, the right person enters your life.  It's the giving over of self that assures God He can send you a mate to complete your life without risking losing your love for Him.

And, by the way:  this works, even if your nuptials weren't blessed from the beginning.  If you turn over your marriage to God, and put Him first, He can help straighten out broken hearts.  This is what I wish Kim/Kris would see.

3.  We can't really know a person unless they are willing to be honest and open.

With reality stars, we know the persona that we are allowed to see, that is heavily controlled by publicists and the stars themselves.  But, we don't know the true people. That makes people who put themselves in reality TV in a very tenuous position:  people immediately think that the edited part of their lives they are allowed to watch is who the star really is.  Not true.

The same is true with Mr. and Mrs. Regularperson.  We can't judge them by the edited part of their life we get to see at work or at church or at school.  We have to want to get to know them personally and they have to want to share their life before we get to see who they REALLY are.  And, even then, unless we are married, there will still be pieces of them that aren't shared.  And that is perfectly OK.  That is the way friendships work.

But, when you are thinking about getting married, nothing in your life should be guarded.  You should be an open book and so should your future spouse.  You should talk about your past and your future and your dreams and your fears with abandon.  You should relish the idea of staying on the phone until 4am, if you have to, to get to know each other.

You HAVE to know each other intimately, from an emotional sense, for a marriage to work.  The one sure way to tank a marriage is to come into it with guarded secrets.

4.  There is a difference between being in love, loving someone, and being in love with the idea of love.

Clearly, many people love the idea of being loved by someone else, where the signs of love are gifts and adoration and making out.  It's a trip to have someone think you hung the moon and stars.  It feels good to have someone hanging on your every word.  But, if it is all focused on how the other person makes YOU feel?  It's not love for the other person.  It's lust.

When you truly love someone, though, the signs are more than physical and material.  They are emotional and spiritual.  You willingly put the person you love ahead of yourself and your needs.  You treat them as the prince/princess they are.  You pray for them and speak highly of them and respect them.  You would willingly give your life in place of theirs.  In other words, your love is Christlike, giving and forgiving and unselfish.

Kim was clearly in love with the idea of being in love.  And, this is a dangerous trap.  When others around you, friends and family and co-workers, are all planning weddings or having babies, it is easy to want what they have.  And, this translates to loving the idea of loving someone.

And, if Mr. or Miss Handsome/Beautiful walks through the door in the middle of your fantasy about what you eventually want in your life, BOOM!  It can seem like you've just discovered love.

Do the test:  Do you truly know the person?  Love him/her for who they are not how they make you feel?  Do you know, deep down, what they want in life?  Do they love God more than themselves?

If you aren't sure about the answers to these questions, you're not talking love. 


5.  Divorce sucks.  Period.

No matter how long you've been married, it is tearing apart something that wasn't meant to be disassembled.  If God is truly in the union of two people, He grieves the loss of their oneness. 

6.  Listening to people around you, when you are in love, is crucial.  But, even more important than that is that people SPEAK UP if they think you are making a mistake.

Being in love is like living life on crack:  you are somewhere, floating around above the world, high all the time.  You aren't in your logical mind.  Sure, it's great.  But, the tell-tale signs that this romance wasn't meant to be are easily overlooked during this period of bliss.

It is crucial that your friends and family are brutally honest with you about what they see in your relationship.  Being in love, you are just blind.  And the people who aren't wearing blinders in your life need to let you know if you are making a mistake, even to the point of potentially damaging the relationship in order to help you make an error in marriage.

Let me tell you from experience:  there is nothing worse than having the conversation, mid-divorce, where people admit they saw all the warning signs but didn't bother to tell you because they didn't want to "ruin" your moment.

With all the flip-flopping, "Hate Kris" today, "Love him" the next, that occurred in the Kardashian kingdom during Kim's brief engagement to Kris, there was no solid voice of reason calling Kim off the cliff.  She needed someone to sit down and point out that neither she nor Kris was treating the other respectfully, that they are from different worlds that can't be lived in the same state, and that, with all the concern about changing her last name, Kim was showing all the signs that she wasn't fully committed to being a wife.

I don't know that this train wreck could have been avoided.  But, it should be used to help others make sound choices about the person they are considering marrying.

If it doesn't feel right, seems too hard, or is stressful being with the person you "love", then it is time to take a break and seriously consider what you are doing.

Once you make that long walk up the aisle, it's a little too late.


*Started dating on July 18th, were engaged in October 7th and would have been married around the holidays, if my sister and brother in law hadn't already planned a spring wedding.  We'll hit 14 years in less than a week.