A Little Advice to Real Estate Agents

Dear friends of ours are in the process of selling their house.

DUNDUNDUN.*

Any of us who have ever had to try to sell a house know this feeling.  It is the biggest bag of mixed nuts ever.  It's a roller coaster with twelve loops and thirteen straight down drops.  One moment you are completely confident and the next you suddenly feeling like a seal pup that is the play toy for the mammoth killer whale.  Good luck trying not to barf or pee your pants on this ride!  WHHEEEEE. 

Now I've sold and bought houses but I've never been the person in the middle pawning off the merchandise.

Enter the real estate agent. If you choose well, which we managed to do in each of our transactions**, you actually come out the other end feeling like you could call that person next time you have a real estate issue.  If you are REALLY fortunate, they might even see your number on their caller ID and decide to pick up!

But, alas.  Just like any industry that has salespeople in the force, real estate people can be downright looney.  And this is where it gets personal.

Our friends keep a very tidy house.  Every time we've been over there, whether it was announced or no, I have never looked around and thought "GEEZ.  Where are the pigs in this sty?"  In fact, if I had to put my dust bunnies up against theirs?  Ours would whoop their asses.

In six or so showings, the folks who toured the house commented.  Now, from past experience, I remember comments like "family room too dark", "kitchen feels small", "lot tiny".  All things we had either 1) attempted to remedy with paint or 2) were the reason we were getting the heck out of dodge.

And, granted, on the feedback forms my friend showed me, there were a couple of comments like that.  But, with amazing, high ceilings, and an open, non-galley kitchen, and a good size lot, there just wasn't much to pick on.

So, you know what these commenters did?  They picked on the following:  "dishes in sink".  I swear, three out of four comments were something ridiculous like that...a minor housekeeping detail. 

And that is where I lost my stuff***.  REALLY? 

So, the following is a little friendly advice to all the real estate agents out there:

1.  First and foremost, you are a teacher.  Before you even put a client in the car, educate them.  There education should include the following, in no particular order

a)  when someone lives in a house, you can expect it to look LIVED IN.  There may be a few toys on the floor and a couple of dishes in the sink or dishwasher.  That's called LIVING IN A HOUSE.  Nobody, not nobody, should be held to a standard of housekeeping that would make Martha Stewart vomit up her pomegranate martini.

b)  if you prefer to look at houses that don't look lived in, let's start by driving to the middle of nowhere and look at lots with no houses on them.  That way, the dishes in the sink won't be a distraction to you.

c)  look for the top three things that are important to you and focus on those.  If it is stainless appliances, a half acre lot and hardwoods floors, shut your pie hole about the colors in the house.  You can ask Sherwin Williams later.  If there is, obviously, a dog that lives in the house, as evidenced by a dog sitting in a cage in a back bedroom, don't complain about dog hair.  You own a vacuum, don't you?

d)  a few things are negotiable, such as damage to roof shingles that preclude insuring the house or broken appliances or closing costs.  But, if you have the unmitigated gall to think that "shelf under lighting in the master closet" is "necessary".  Well, you can kiss every one's lily white buttay.

e)  decorating styles are not to be commented on, no way, no how.  Same way with paint and wallpaper.  Remember, those things were in style, sometime, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.  Instead, look at the bones of the house and overlook the fact that the couch looks like it came out of your Great-Great-Great Grandmother's attic.


2.  Second, and easily as important as number one, picky clients should be taken for a drink before each and every showing.  They will then be loose enough to follow all the rules above and you will be a better real estate agent for it.

See how simple that is?  Now, if every agent in the world would just read this blog, educate their clients, and ply them with drinks, the entire industry would blossom with joy and happiness.

Except that poor dog, stuck in his cage at the back of the house.  Would someone PLEASE give him a bone?


*Yes, you just read the spooky music lyrics.   

**Dumb luck?  God's hand?  

***I really wanted to use another word.