Sad Admission

I think part of the reason I've found my 40's to be so freeing is that I've discovered the true key to life.

I don't always use it. Most of the time it's stubborn pride that keeps me from wanting to.

I don't always remember it. Often, the light bulb moment occurs long after the chance for PROPER use has passed.

I don't always find myself feeling ready to admit it's time. As if there is ever a perfect opportunity to do the right thing.

I'm talking about forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself and others. And, sometimes, for me, of God.

Right now I'm working on forgiving myself for having Everest-high expectations of special events in my life. And, simultaneously, for modeling poor behavior in front of my boys* and making Mike feel like he got it "wrong" on Mother's Day.

I've found myself solidly bought into the Hallmark-mentality that there is a good way of doing things for those we love. That holidays like Mother's and Valentine's Day and my birthday should be, for lack of any other way to say it, picture perfect.

Basically, I picture days where everyone is blowing sunshine and roses and I've felt as if I've gotten rainstorms and dead begonias.

And that is the crux of the problem.

A good friend pointed out to me that since I enjoy doing things for other people, I expect other people to have the same desire to do things for me. And that may not necessarily be their gift.

Another friend pointed out that, though there are days that she is glad to be a single-Mommy, there are plenty of days she'd take a husband who "doesn't always get it right" in a heartbeat.

God is speaking to me in these conversations. He's telling me to correct my course. To realize how my expectations are off-base. He's bending my knees to ask for forgiveness for demanding recognition where it would have been freely given, had I not worked to orchestrate it "perfectly". Or, where I tried to be hands-off and was less than pleased with the results and sulked about the outcome for the entire day.

I can be a brat. I can be demanding. I am easily let down when it comes to people.

But, I'm learning to give grace. And accept heartfelt efforts to show me love. And to just let things be and happen, without meddling or worrying about the outcome. And whether that outcome will be fantastic.

Even if it has taken 40+ years of my life to learn, I'm glad to know that I am still capable of receiving an education from life. I'm glad to be reminded yet again that forgiveness is one of the greatest keys we have in this world.**

Couldn't we all, on any given day, use a bit of forgiveness for ourselves? And find so many people in our lives who need us to ask them for forgiveness? Even if we've never told them we were mad, that break in relationship exists in our hearts, and asking for mercy is a sure-fire way to cleanse ourselves and start anew.

Maybe you, like me, find yourself buying into the goods of the world that say "You deserve this celebration and it should be incredibly well done." Maybe you, like me, are working hard to change that mentality to "I don't deserve any of this and if I am ever celebrated I should receive it with such amazement that I bask in the glow of love for days and weeks and months."

I thank God that, knowing my heart and how badly I want to change, that He will accomplish this through me.


*The very last thing I want to do is make certain days of the year completely unpalatable for them because Mommy always feels let down.

**And even though love is supreme, I think great love is borne out of true forgiveness.