97%

The kid's dentist, who is a gem of a guy, has made a horrible mistake with Nickels.

In the last six months, Mike and I have done LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of prompting and griping and prodding and checking and re-checking and screaming and cussing* when it comes to teeth brushing. The result? The child got a "97%" on his check-up.

You could have knocked my fat thighed self over with a toothpick, conveniently removed from any of the assortment of appetizer platters I've grazed through over the holidays.

"Seriously?", I thought, "The same kid I picked up from kindergarten who had so much food caught in his upper gum line that I had to shield my eyes to continue the conversation, lest I wretch in front of his class? The same kid who thinks that 10 seconds of brush-time is plenty sufficient, thank you? HIM? Are we sure you don't have another kid of the same height and hair color back there that you are mixing up with MY SON?"

Tonight, he's decided he can skate on that almost perfect score. Wednesday's excuse? "Why can't you just let this go this one time? I'm tired and I want to go to bed. BESIDES, I made a 97%!"**

And that's the problem with giving a kid a grade on brushing his teeth, Dr. Niceguy: now my son thinks he's immune to any issues his parents have previously brought to his attention.

Teeth falling out due to lack of hygiene? Doesn't apply to kids 3 points short of 100!

Disgusting breath? Everything smells GREAT with almost a perfect score!

Junk caught in between your teeth grossing out all your friends? Not a worry--once them know my grade, I'll get a standing ovation from the entire school!

So, next appointment, Mr. Nice Dentist? It's time to pull out the big guns and introduce all the scary dental equipment and work on hitting a sore spot with that probe thingy and show pictures of what happens to nice kid's teeth when they don't brush properly.

Because, if you don't? I'm going to have to resort to buying Billy Bob Teeth and wearing them until he decides he's so embarrassed that he'll actually brush properly.

Then, and only then, will I remove the stupid things. And probably put them at the back of a drawer for use when the other two pumpkins of ours get an almost perfect score on their dental appointments.

Because if I've learned anything in my eleven plus years of parenting it's that the chickens generally come home to roost. Over and over and over and over again.....



*Behind his back, such as "Why the HELL can't he just brush his teeth? It's such a basic thing. I LOVED brushing my teeth when I was his age. Crap, I even ate the Colgate (true story, probably have latent cancer as a result)!!! What is the matter with that boy??"

Figured out, after exhaustive conversations with everyone, from the Youth Director at church to our friends who have a one-year-older son, that this is just par for the course. EVERYONE is having this trouble with their children. Boy v. girl doesn't matter.

Somehow, that just makes it worse for me, not better. After all, these kids have designer toothbrushes and custom-flavored "kid" toothpaste and they STILL aren't brushing??? REALLY???

**That was over 30 minutes ago. His teeth are still unbrushed, he's pacing around the house, counting his Christmas money, trying to avoid actually hitting the sack before what he considers a "reasonable" hour. Me? Writing this post to avoid pinching his head off.