Alone Time

Over the years, I've come to know myself pretty well. I've become predictable, boring, and pretty mundane.

When people ask "How are you?" I jump into fine mode and prattle on and on about how the kids are doing, the latest at Mike's job, and the never-ending, sometimes frustrating, house remodel that is/isn't complete.*

But, as was pointed out to me recently, I rarely comment on MYSELF.

So, today, while the boys were on a Daddy date at a soccer game, I asked myself "How are you?"

Besides the slightly groaning headache and tired shoulder muscles, I felt tired. Bone tired. Haven't slept well in weeks tired.

Maybe it's my diet today, I thought. Probably not a good idea to subsist on coffee until noon then eat a CLIF bar followed by microwaves mac n cheese and a handful of chocolate chips.

Maybe it's the perfect weather, which almost lulled me to sleep on the hammock, until I was awoken by the timer I had set so I wouldn't sleep too long.

Maybe it was the slightly disturbing news that someone I love has an elevated PSA and is "waiting it out". Or that someone else I adore is trying to decide how to deal with the cancer doctors just discovered.

Maybe it's just post-partum depression, haunting me years after the fact.

Who knows. But, if I were to tell people "I'm tired" every time I really am? Truly, they'd stop asking. But, nine of ten times, that's the honest response I'd give.

It makes complete sense that I am tired because, as a woman with children in their childhood years, I am tending to lose myself. It's certainly not intentional. We're just busy. Kids have a tendency to fill calendars. And I am the taxi driver, check writer, and cheerleader who is the necessary cog in the wheels of their busy-ness.

Though I still have a "life", I've become entangled in the lives of those I support. Like vines that take over everything, I just can't separate myself from the other lives that interconnect to mine. If I stop for just one 24-hour period, it becomes perfectly apparent that I am needed.

There is a genuine desire in my heart for this intertwining to continue forever. It tugs against the need inside of me to have some "alone time" and reconnect with who I am and what I need and where I'm going.

I think that's why connecting with God is so important to me. I feel grounded and led and happy when I know that I am trying to follow His plan for my life. Even if that plan involves activities and duties that I wish I could sometimes farm out so I could take a long, restful nap.

It's hard being a Mom. If you thought, like me, that raising a baby was all sunshine and roses when you signed up for this job, then I'm sorry we're both having to learn that clouds and thorns also exist.

But, even through the hardest times, I never forget that this is good work.

And, Mike? If I happen to neglect your needs on occasion in favor of helping your babies? Please try to understand.

This is only for a season. And I love those babies we created and the work that you do that helps sustain us and the guidance you give that is turning the boys into Godly young men.

And I love you for giving me this opportunity to be a Mommy. And for understanding that, in the blink of an eye, our time in parenting mode will be gone.

So, for now, when I am sometimes way too focused on the kids, to the detriment of the romantic life we used to enjoy? This, too, shall pass. And it will be back to just the two of us. And, YES, I'm excited about that time, as well.

This is why, when I ask for alone time, I so appreciate the chance to escape. It grounds me. It gives me wings. It helps me reflect. It shows me who I am and reminds me what is important. And it reminds me that there will be a tomorrow when this job is less important.

Knowing all that, when someone asks "How are you?" next time, I am probably going to say "Fine" and launch into the lives of my family of wild and crazy boy-types.

Just know that, with a little digging, you'll find that there's a lot more going on in the mind of this middle-aged, child-raising, taxi-driving Mom.

And be doubly glad all I said was "Fine".**



*Why didn't someone remind me that you have to DECORATE after the big work is done? I'd have bought stock in a privately-held wine company at the beginning of the remodel, purchased enough cases of the stuff to get that puppy on the NYSE, sold the stock, and used the proceeds to hire an interior decorator.

**Ever heard of "Talking the ears off a Billy goat?" That's what Mom's can do, given the right timing and the opportunity.