Sometimes the Truth is Stranger than Fiction

One of the perks of having a "junk" email account is that you can give your email address to people who look like serial murderers and not worry that they are going to flood your primary inbox with death threats.

This "spammy" address is where I've learned about erectile dysfunction drugs from Guatemala, vicodin from the kind folks in Canada, and how to make $3976 per month without leaving the comfort of my home.

So, this week, when I received a message that included information on a couple of weird massages, I was a little skeptical. But, just for grins, I had to share them, to brighten your day and make you glad that most spas offer a good old-fashioned Swedish massage done by a burly girl with lip hair named Helga.

Strange massage #1:

Snake massage: At a spa in Israel, you can have your back massaged by snakes..non-venomous reptiles whose touch is said to be relaxing and therapeutic.

UM. I hate to go all Indiana Jones on this, but SNAKES??? Why does it have to be snakes? Couldn't it be something cute, like a panda bear, writhing around on my back?

And, thanks for the "non-venomous" plug. Somehow I'm thinking that was added to calm my nerves and "relax" me into thinking: "Well, they ARE non-venomous, so what do I have to worry about? (YAWN) I think I'll take a little nap."

I find the thought of this treatment just about as relaxing as being followed on a major freeway for 13 miles by a policeman who pulled out from behind a car he just gave a ticket to and now is trailing Me. The "me" who was going 82 mph when I passed him.*

Yes, the snake massage is strange, but the following is almost beyond my grasp of understanding:

Breast massage: Said to regulate menstrual cycles, balance hormones, stimulate the lymphatic system, and prevent breast cancer, this intense Chinese massage won't be everyones cup of tea.

I'm thinking, "If you touchamybreast, I breakayourface."

Not everyones cup of tea? You got that part right.

And, even if that tea was spiked with Everclear, ain't no way some technician is regulating my cycle that way.

No, no, no, no, no.

But, you know what else I'm thinking? If Mike ever finds out about this and he realizes THE CHANGE has moved in to stay, he'll be flying some massage specialist in from China, in hopes that she can regulate me.**

Maybe I should just go ahead and order that panda massage right now....



*This doesn't resemble anything that has ever, ever happened to me.

**Good luck on THAT one.