Here Come the Holidays!

The Pre-Holiday Edition of "Really Stupid Things People Do Even Though They Fully Know 'This is the stupidest thing I'm going to do all year long'":

1. Parking your "new" car, which has obviously seen the interior of a chop shop for alteration, across two parking spots in the dead of winter, in sub-40 degree weather, at the height of shopping-season for Christmas.

The employees in the adjacent Dillard's should just pass out sharp objects with which to key these offending cars, because this is exactly what every body who passes by is going to be thinking: "If I only had a sharp object, I'd draw a little picture on the side of this piece o' work, shaped like a middle finger, to show the owner what I think of their parking job."

Dillard's would blow the competition out of the water, just in sharp-object-sales alone.

2. Getting out of a car in this same parking area to STAND in a freshly-vacated parking spot whilst your friend idles behind other cars waiting to park*.

Now, mind you, there are thirty plus autos whose drivers rightfully SHOULD get this spot, as they've been driving in circles for twenty minutes trying, unsuccessfully and with utmost of manners, to garner a spot. But, apparently, this person's Momma told her "You are privileged. Others should allow you to do whatever you want 'cause your poop don't stink", which led you to believe, if you get out of the car and piss people off, anything in the parking garage is YOURS TO CLAIM.

Word to your Momma? WRONG.

3. Ordering a holiday ham from HAMCO.

This entitles you not only to a tasty piece of pig, but also a wait in line for upwards of fifty hours.

If you are lucky enough to time your queue-standing escapade to correspond to a date OTHER THAN when the fifteen thousand people in town also need to pick up their swine, you should play the lottery. Because you are the luckiest S.O.B. on the block.

Unlike you, every other schmoe in the city will be there on Wednesday afternoon, praying that the line progresses smoothly to allow everyone to drive 80mph and arrive, slightly-less-sane, at the Thanksgiving table just as the rest of the meal is served.

Good luck with that, buddy. You won't see me in line. I'm sending someone else.

So, go get 'em, Tiger. Attack those holidays with fervor by shopping at the worst times and ordering crazy-expensive meat. Just don't forget I warned you.

And don't EVER stand in the parking spot I'm attempting to occupy.




*Sad to admit, this happened to me. I scared the Bejeezus out of the 17-year-old chick because I started into the spot and honked at her. She was incredulous that I should think I deserved the spot. Even though I was sitting behind the car that just vacated the land, with my friggin' blinker on, waiting. Strangely, I gave up. In retrospect, and looking from a slightly older place than before, I should have backed her butt into the concrete wall and thrown it in "P".