Sarcastic Writing 101

I recently read a letter from someone I've never even met, sent to me by someone else I know really well. Now, I have an opinion about this person I've never met* because he shoots off on any topic, regardless of whether he has a clue about it or not. You know the type: he thinks he can tell his wife how to birth children because he's watched an episode of "A Birth Story". He repairs the house based on being a "Home Improvement" junkie. He saw Jet Li across the airport at LAX, made a jackass out of himself by screaming to get Mr Li's attention, and now thinks they are "acquainted.** You've met him. And he drives you bonkers.

Now stop comparing him to ME.

So, this person has an opinion about a certain local issue. He doesn't really have a good point, just an opinion with a lot of fluff around it, but cobbles this nonsense together to form a letter. Then, he sends it to every politician from Amarillo to Brownsville.

Now, I am all for sharing your opinion*** but please bring at least two brain cells to the conversation, K? Case in point: I was completely ignorant back in Junior High****. While watching the news with my parents, I actually thought I had enough information to comment, ABOUT APARTHEID, "Why don't those people stop griping?" The hole in my parent's faces proved that your lower jaw CAN spontaneously disconnect from the rest of your skull and fall to the floor with a thud. Thankfully, my parents didn't immediately write me off; my father explained the error of my thinking and I learned a BIG history lesson. And, a bit about arguing a point, too.

So, back to our sponsor, Mr. Know-it-All. With everything his mind could muster, he wrote this letter about the injustices being committed upon humanity. It was a tour-de-force of thin-spun nothingness. Arguments that would make you stop and go "Huh?" And, after emptying his brain into this epistle, he signed it "Regards". REGARDS? Not, "Your angry constituent" or "Disappointed in Dallas"? No, "Regards", for crying out loud!

This is tantamount to sending a letter to Proctor and Gamble explaining how the phrase "have a happy period" on a tampon box is beyond annoying, only to sign with a smiley face.***** Kind of takes the teeth out of it, huh?

TSK, TSK, TSK. Obviously, letter writers in this country don't know diddly about sarcasm, so allow moi to give you a bit of an ed-u-macation****** with a couple of pithy examples:

Example #1:
Harry-
Leaving me in the parking lot with a dozen inebriated friends of yours with libidos the size of New York was NOT a wise idea. I'm sure you'll understand that I WON'T be paying the hospital bill for Lee's arm, especially after you told me how much you loved bragging to him about the fact that I'm more of a karate master than he. Apparently, Lee missed that conversation.

Choose the most appropriate closing:
1. See you tonight!
2. Kiss my very dark black belt,
3. Hugs and kisses :)

If you chose 1 or 3, read on. If you chose 2, call me and I'll share the Halloween-from-Hades story with you. No joking.

Example #2:
Dear Sirs--
I am returning the flat iron I ordered from your company for a full refund, per your TV commercials. Included with this letter are beautician bills to cover the cost of adding hair extensions after your product managed to reduce my tresses to two inches over every bit of my scalp. If I don't receive both a) a full-refund for your cheap piece of junk AND b) a check made payable to "Vicki's Clip and Curl", I will have my attorney's office contact you forthwith.

Close with:
1. Burning up
2. Balls in your court
3. Most sincerely

Boring, predictable, yet ever in style, number 3 wins the day. Though, I think number 1 is awfully clever.

Hopefully you've learned a couple of things today:
1. Your blogger friend hasn't always been smart OR witty. Your arguments and opinions about my current state of intelligence/ingenuity are welcome when you bring carrot cake as part of the discussion.

2. If you write a letter then forward it on thinking you made a great point, you better have made a great point. If not, you are subject to anonymous blog ridicule.

Write on, people!



*He's a complete bonehead.

**And, on a first-name basis!

***No comments from the peanut gallery, please. Especially you, Mom and Dad.

****And no smarty-pants comments about my CURRENT ignorance....

*****This statement REALLY is appearing on tampon boxes. Just don't get caught pilfering through your neighbor's cabinets if your cheap rear buys generic tampons and you are too curious to spend the extra coin to check it out in the privacy of your own home.

******Not to be confused with an education, which would come from a professional. Which I am not.