Mom

I'm writing this post not to make people feel guilty or forgetful or rude.  I'm writing this because each of us will encounter this in our lifetime.  It is a crappy right-of-passage that no one talks about.  But, I think it is important for everyone to know that they are not alone.

There is going to come a point in time, after you've lost someone significant in your life, that people are going to forget the "important" dates.  They will not acknowledge birthday and anniversary dates and even the date your loved one passed away.

No one will do this intentionally.
No one will do it to hurt you.

But it will hurt.

Frankly, it is awkward to bring up the elephant in the room, namely the memory of the person who passed.  It puts others in the bizarre position of trying to recover from feeling like a jerk for not asking mixed with incredible, sincere compassion for you.  So, over time, you will just determine how much awkward you can stand.

Reality number one, I've discovered, is that people are going to forget.  And you have to learn to be OK with that. 

Mom died three years ago this past Sunday.  I placed flowers on the altar in her memory and sent a message to the person responsible for ensuring the columbarium where her ashes will eventually be placed remembered we are still waiting.  I shed a few tears and went to a movie/dessert with a friend and had an argument with Mike.  Even I would have to admit that it was a pretty typical day, save the disagreement with Mike (which, honestly, was probably caused by the stress of the day.)

No one called to acknowledge the day, not even family.  And I returned the favor by staying silent, too.

I just wonder if we were all suffering in silence, thinking all the others had forgotten and we were the only one left with a hole in our heart.

This is tricky territory.  Like parenthood, it doesn't come with a manual.  No one can tell you how to handle the grief that comes with another year passing.  And no two people respond the same, which makes it even harder.

This is my lame attempt at acknowledging that I haven't forgotten, Mom.  I'm sure others haven't either, but it is important for me to quietly speak into the void that was created when you died and let you know that you are missed.  I'm still fighting for you, trying to get that "proper" burial that has eluded us for years.

Your little badger misses you.