Enough

Today's post is extremely personal to me and aimed at someone who is walking alone right now and who can't admit that others love her and want to help.  This is the only way I know to communicate with her anymore.

I hope this helps.

Get out your kleenex.  You'll need it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To all the girls out there who don't think they are good enough...

I was you.
I found "the" boy.
I fell.
I thought he fell, too.
I was wrong.

Chewed up.  Spit out.  Left for dead.

I wanted to die.

I felt a fool.
I felt weak.
I felt worthless.
He was my world.

Where was God?  Why didn't He care?  How could He let this happen?

I listened to all the lyrics from all the songs that told me how horrible he was and how worthless love is and how it shouldn't be this way.
Those songs taught me to confuse sex for love and love for pain and anger for feeling.

I bought the world's lies on credit.
And they paid me back month after month after month on what seemed like an unending pay cycle.
Of pain.

I wanted revenge.
I wanted him to know how badly he had hurt me.
I wanted him to suffer the way I was.



Falling.
Falling hard.
Hitting bottom.
Almost giving up.

I bounced.
And landed squarely on my feet.
Very wobbly.
But still able to move.

It took years.
It took lots of heartbreak.

I had to discover some important truths.

God was there all the time.
I was the one running away from Him.

That boy wasn't all that.
He was a pit stop I tried to make into my home.

I tried to make him more than a human could ever be.
He was my God.
I let him try to heal my hurt.
And he just added to the pain.

What I should have been doing was trying to make MYSELF more.
To learn what made a person like him seem so appealing.
Someone who added hurt.
And suffering.
And heaped on the pain, like coals from a red-hot fire.

Instead, I used him to try to mask the pain and cover up the ugliness I felt inside.
I reasoned "If someone is TELLING me he loves me, even if his actions prove otherwise, then I MUST be worth something."

THAT IS
ONE OF
THE BIGGEST LIES.
EVER.

While I was with him, I never got to the root of MY problems.
I never learned what true love looks like.
And feels like.
And I never learned I am WORTH true love.

If I could grab you up and take you to a very long lunch and teach you anything about what life has taught me, I'd tell you these things, girlfriend...


Some friendships are going to be casualties of life.
How you learn to deal with that reality will be a credit to you.
What you choose to DO with what you learn is even more important.

It is OK to be alone.
It is healthy to learn who you are.
It is good to know your faults and what hurts you and what you can change about yourself to be happier.
And it is really good to know how to admit that to other people so you can be proud to be who God made you to be.

There is no rule that says boyfriends are a must in this life.
But there is a rule that says emotionally healthy relationships can only be that way if two people find each other and are committed to honesty and learning to be healthy together.

As you mature and grow and change there will be plenty of people who will remain static in their lives.
And because you are at a different point than they are, you'll be forced, sometimes against your will, to move on.
That isn't sad.  It's life.
Cherish your memories.
But don't let comfort stop you from moving forward.

Cutting losses early is best.
Leaving after it is too late is a breeding ground for the hardest lessons of all.
But, those lessons CAN and WILL be redeemed, if you choose that path.

Some people are never meant to more than brief reminder of what you shouldn't strive to be in life.
Run like Hell when you realize you are connected to people like that.

Inside of you is a person waiting to bloom.
You are a product of what life has thrown at you so far, but you can choose to either crumble in defeat or stand and fight to victory.
You can overcome ANYTHING you choose to:  insecurity, incest, rape, neglect, drug addiction.  ANYTHING.

But, you are going to need to realize you can't do it alone.
And there isn't another human being on this earth who can do it for you.
You have to decide the task is worthwhile.
And you will need to fall squarely into the arms of God and let Him help.
You can't do it alone.
Try.
Or, take it from someone who tried a million times over and failed ever.single.time.

Admit you can't.
Admit you want to.
Admit your faults.
Admit that you need His help.
Admit it all.

And let His love wash over you.
And bolster those places that are weak.
And send you peace as you learn to walk alone into scary new adventures.
And fill you with a feeling of being loved that you will never find from that boy.
Or from your parents.
Or your siblings.
Or even from yourself.
 
As scary as that may be, when you leave that boy and walk to God, you will be walking into a new life that will make your old life seem pale and lethargic and lifeless.
And you'll wonder why you didn't see it sooner.
Just like me.

So, I'll look forward to the call from you saying "I found Him".
I won't say "I told you so".
Instead I'll say "Welcome home!"


Both clinging to the only one who really mattered at all.
Both shaking our heads in wonder that it took us so long to get there.
Both glad we are in that place.

And, for the first time in our lives together, we'll be there together.

Free from those shackles and the bondage and the self-hatred of knowing we were clinging to a boy who couldn't even remotely heal those dark, sad, lonely places inside.

We'll be looking, instead, at the one true God.
The light of the world.
The hope of creation.
The name above all names.

The One who has healed me and who will be healing you.

And we'll laugh.
And cry.
And sit silently.
And admit pain.
And learn to be content.

It will be good.

You just have to believe.
Find that kernel of truth inside of you that KNOWS leaving is the right thing.

And.just.walk.
Away.

To that far, better place.

Let me know when you need a walking mate.
I'm your gal.