The Gift of Giving Praise

"Affirmation isn't understood."  --Attributing this to Dr. Tim Keller (but unsure.  sorry.)

The theme of affirmation is running wild through my life right now.  An unbridled pony, enjoying the wide open spaces of my mind, playing in the wind, taking in the sun and rolling in the meadows.  When I close my eyes, she is there, that animal who reminds me of the effects of blessing and the tragedy of the unspoken.

Conscious compliments brushed with natural grace don't come out of my mouth the way I wish they would.  I stumble over what to say, how to say it, when to speak.  I wonder if what I say, write, speak, is taken the way it was intended.  There are too many things, too many conversations, too many thoughts I wish I could take back.

Poorly constructed corrections aimed at my children are a pot of thrown hot water, scalding their bodies, twisting their faces into contortions and tears and causing them to run from the one who is supposed to love them so.  I cry out in pain to God for not knowing how to do this Mommy thing right all the time, especially those times when it goes oh, so wrong.

The balance of correction and affirmation doesn't come naturally.  Time seems to steal moments away, times when pausing and coming down to their level and talking with them calmly would be the best thing to do.  But, lessons await, homework beckons, dinner boils, and the patience to control feelings and remember to soothe the lesson with a loving reminder of how awesome God made them flees from memory.  And, yet another opportunity to build a bridge is crushed by the reality of life.

The Prayer of Humble Access, the pre-Eucharist cry of the masses, crosses neurons:  "We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table.  But thou art the same Lord, whose property is always to have mercy.”

I serve crumbs instead of mercy.  I offer anger in place of love.  I thrive in finding fault instead of giving praise.  My children are Esaus, stripped of their blessing, coming back asking "...don't you have another blessing for me?"

Sweet children, God is working on this part of me, on that part that didn't know affirmation but knows it is necessary.  Like you, Mommy is a work-in-progress.  Fallen.  Forgiven.  Trying.  Sometimes succeeding.

Those days where the ears wait for a lovely word pain me.  I press forward, trying to keep this most important fact at the forefront:  You are loved.  You are important.  You are a blessing.  But, without those words being spoken, you may never know.

Lord, make my path straight, clear my mind, remind me of the importance of expressing my love so my children see you shine through me.  Give me lovely words to speak.  Remind me to speak them.  Amen.


*This is a note for me, to remember as I write, that God can do all things.  He is teaching me to take the "I" out of my writing and I found that daunting, at best.  He guided my fingers today.

**This post is His message to me, that I share with you, knowing I am not alone in struggling with this Mommy thing.  Hugs.