What I Want for Christmas

I would never claim to be hyper-organized or as prepared as a Boy (Girl) Scout about most things.  But, when it comes to Christmas, that is simply not true.

On January 1st, our budget starts over with a monthly contribution for the big day.  That allows me to start shopping just when things have gotten dirt cheap.  I set aside stuff like paper products, colored utensils, and paper/envelopes for the upcoming Christmas letter.

Throughout the year, I shop for people.  If I find something just perfect, I buy it on the spot, doing my level best to stay within the prescribed budget.  And I am sure to note the purchase on the spreadsheet as I've been known to accidentally buy thirteen gifts for one person and zero gifts for another when I wasn't tracking things. 

As of today, I am within spitting distance of finishing my shopping.  In fact, my goal is to have every gift but those for my immediate family purchased, wrapped, and shipped off or under the Christmas tree by the week after Thanksgiving.

All that to say, I like to be done before most people have even started because I abhor the joy of Christmas being sucked out of me while I stand in the "10 Items or Less" line at Toys R Us with one $10 item while fifty people ahead of me each have 45 items in their basket and a handful of paper ads to "match" prices from other stores.

So, really, this is just self-preservation.  Because, the thought of a padded cell and Prozac isn't appealing to me.

But, for the past couple of years, I've had a beef that I don't know what to do about.  It seems, just about the time I'm getting finished, my mail and in boxes are all the sudden FLOODED.  I'm talking Biblical-proportions.  I fully expect to see Noah go floating by when I sign on to mail.com.

Today, for example, I've cleared out no less than three dozen emails about Black Friday and The Countdown to Gift Giving and Big Bargains, 25% off.

And the mail?  I practically need a front loader to get all the catalogs, ads and requests from charities out of the mailbox, into the kitchen, and onto the counter.  If I intend to actually open the mail and do my regular, anal-retentive recycling, I have to wait until bedtime because I would have to postpone any carpooling, homework help, or dinner prep just to get through the top layer.

Am I the only one dealing with this?

Maybe the biggest rub is that I'M DONE WITH MY GIFT SHOPPING!  I don't need any more ideas.  And I sure don't need the temptation to buy even one more thing.  That's like sending an alcoholic a liquor magazine with scratch-and-sniff samples.

So, I would love to figure out how to stop the madness.

Do I just remove myself from the email lists of every company I've ever ordered from?  If I do that, what about the other eleven months when I really WANT their email coupons and specials?

Do I call a bazillion 800 numbers and tell each company to stop sending me catalogs, even though I know it will take "six to eight weeks"* to remove me from the catalog list?** 

And, if I order something off the net, why is it, when I open the shipping box, that I get the EXACT SAME CATALOG AS THE ONE I JUST ORDERED OUT OF AND PROVIDED A CATALOG CODE FROM?  Are those the trees I hear in the background, begging for their lives, as companies cut them down to send me high-gloss, non-recyclable catalogs as thick as cow patties?

So, what I want for Christmas is for every company to hear me loud and clear:  stop sending me stuff after mid-November.  Stop trying to entice me to shop with 13,257 other people at 4am when your store opens on Friday morning.***  Please don't clog up my inbox with offers that have so many strings attached that I look like a marionette when I try to take advantage of them.

For the love of everything red, green and shiny, please just stop the madness.


*Why is this the standard response when you try to get a company to help you accomplish something? 

**Why is it so hard to pull my address label off the run or create a computer program to put a big "X" on the label so the machines will dump it?

***I'm totally behind those who are mad that they are having to report to work sub-midnight on Thanksgiving Day to beat the Black Friday rush.  Retailers need to stop and think:  they'll be paying overtime to all the employees who come in early AND pissing them off in the process--how could that POSSIBLY benefit the bottom line???