Obedience, Part II

You know the old adage that once you speak something it is sure to happen?

Many of you who are praying Christians will know exactly what I'm talking about if someone has ever prayed over you for patience; truly, you can now be certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that tough times are a-comin'.

Well, I spoke of Nickels' obedience and BOOM. Exploding child. Exploding Mom.

Let me give you a little context here: yesterday was the second anniversary of the day my Mom was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. She died 90 days later. Needless to say, this is a challenging part of the year for me and my family.

Over the past few weeks, I've felt VERY disobedient to God. Most people wouldn't see it, but I knew it was there. My eating patterns looked like the dude from Super Size Me. My prayer life was spotty. I even ignored my Bible study excusing lack of time in word because we won't meet this Sunday.

My brain has wandered to ugly places, an old boyfriend tracked me down via email, and I've had the energy (because of my stupid eating habits) of a slug.

It has been a full-out attack. And, dumb me? I didn't see it coming. And when it arrived, I didn't realize it had moved in.

At the same time, Nickels' turned from polite, obedient, wonder child to a raging ball of hormones with an attitude: Schoolwork? Piss off! Parent's Opinions? Not worth listening to. Obedience? I'm sorry, I don't recognize that word.

This all culminated in a huge explosion after breakfast, over a package of Nickels' that needed to get to his friend's house. When he wanted to drag it with him to school, I asked him to leave it at the house.

Oh, the drama. You'd have thought I asked him to shoot his brother in the foot. "WHY???? I need that with me. Mrs. Soandso is taking me to her house after school. WHY????" This was such a serious issue that he was almost in tears.

In the meantime, I was trying to pull together a smoothie, coffee cup, my prayer book, purse and jacket to get out the door by 7:45am to pick-up carpool. I didn't want to answer "WHY" questions because I wanted OBEDIENCE.

I was thinking (but never said): "Just leave the darn bag! I'm taking it to Mrs. Soandso later in the day because I want to talk with her. I've got you covered, dude."

Needless to say, once we hit the car, I began lecturing both boys* about obedience. Specifically, obedience without questioning WHY we should be obedient.

I half-shouted at them that much of the time God doesn't tell us WHY we should do something until after we've presented an obedient heart to Him. I told Nickels, again half-shouting, that I had the stupid bag covered, I just wanted him to acknowledge that he could trust me by being obedient.

It wasn't until I sat down in prayer group 30 minutes later and we started praying over children who are having undiagnosed seizures and breast cancer patients and husbands who died and left families that I realized what was going on.

My lack of obedience was rubbing off on my boy. I let the devil have a foothold in my life and it was having an effect on my very own child.

In the past several days, I haven't been obedient to God in the slightest. I was treating the temple of my soul with disdain by choosing to eat junk. I was consciously walking through life without my line of communication to God intact. I was ignoring God's word and even trying to justify why I was doing it!

I let my brain become the Devil's playground and he, obviously thought he might be able to attack my marriage if he could get me to compare my current life to the carefree times with an old boyfriend.** And on Thursday, when I was supposed to be writing? I turned my back on the book and refused to write a word.

Adding insult to injury was the fact that I was intentionally poisoning my body with poor food choices to the point where I had no energy to fight back.

I confessed all this under the umbrella of disobedience during prayer time. And the tears started coming and wouldn't stop.

In quick succession, I realized I had come to the point of grief where I FINALLY felt a bit mad at God for what had happened to Mom. I realized my disobedience was directly tied to that anger. As a result, I let the Devil have a foothold in my life.

And, you know what? God knew all that and, still, He forgave me. Simply because I asked.

Today has been a time of revelation. Mind you, a painful time, but a necessary one. I had my moment of pity for myself and my bit of anger at God and I am ready to move on.

I'm ready to eat salad and forgo Diet Coke and skip dessert.
I'm ready to pray without ceasing and read the Bible and sing hymns and listen to good, Christian men speak the truth through their messages.
I'm ready to cry as much as is necessary, for the next 90 days, until we pass the date of Mom's death.
I'm ready to write again and know that it will be a difficult, but necessary journey.

But, mostly? I'm ready to become obedient so my boy will see my obedience and follow me. I am ready for my example to cause him to WANT to become obedient again. I'm ready to be a light in his life, pointing him back to God. And I want my connection to God restored.

And, for the many days of disobedience that have passed, I am grateful. No, it wasn't fun. No, I don't want to got through it again. No, I'm not proud of it.

But, it is all part of my story. Another time God took me out of a pit, showed me the error of my ways, and redeemed me. Another reason to praise Him and thank Him for his blessings.

Slowly, but surely, God is moving me through a time of understanding each of the fruit of the Spirit. I've experienced His peace and exhibited faithfulness in the past. And now, I feel, we are moving on to self-control.

I'm ready God. Take me where YOU lead.


*Poor Hooman. Innocent victim, hit by the bullets of my speech.

**The email was really very innocuous. God had brought me to his mind during this difficult time...he sent some scripture to me to help out. My marriage is very on-track and I'm proud to say we will celebrate our 14th anniversary in just a few weeks.