Kaboomtown Failure

Dear Kaboomtown--
In case you hadn't noticed, we've been super faithful to attend your awesome fireworks display every year.  We've arrived at least an hour and a half before showtime to pick an appropriate spot in the Gold's Gym parking lot.  We've left our glass bottles at home and picked up all our trash before leaving the parking lot.

In short, we've held up our end of the bargain. 

This year?  You failed us miserably.  Almost every one of the cardinal rules was horribly maimed.  And we are stumped at this unexpected occurrence.

We arrived over an hour and a half before the big show and enjoyed watching the amazing WWII-vintage planes.  We brought our little cooler with water and each enjoyed a little ice cream sandwich.  We even thought ahead and brought two decks of cards and the games of Farkle and Memory.  We had a wonderful, clear view of the fireworks area.

As in years past, we were surrounded by other thoughtful families who, clearly, knew the drill.  They arrived early, staked out their place on the concrete, parked engine first, knowing the line out would take about 10 minutes to navigate before they could be on their merry way.

Then something totally unforeseen happened.  A crowd, who can only be described by multiple adjectives including tattooed, pierced, un-family-friendly*, rude, drunk, and uncouth, showed up.

I can't describe the lengths they went to trying to stay together as a group.  They wedged, like a cork in a bottle, one of their car on one side of us.  Another one of the crew tried to park on the other side of us, straight in front of another family who was almost hit by the legally-tipsy driver.  When the driver, his female companion and children exited said car, they were given a kind, but stern, lecture from the father of the family that was almost a casualty.

Basically, they broke the first rule of Kaboomtown:  show up early. And, if you show up late?  Don't disturb other people.  Or try to hit them.

When everyone from Aintry bailed out of their cars**, all hell broke loose.  All told, I'd say there were 25 people.  The kids started throwing Pop-Its all over the place, including at our feet, stopped the local blinky light peddler and bought cheap plastic swords and started reenacting Braveheart right in front of us.  Then  began copious watermelon eating and binge beer drinking.

Then, and only then, did they look around and realize "HEY!  There are OTHER PEOPLE HERE!  I'll be a monkey's uncle;  I thought we were alone!"  That's when they got all nice-like, offering glowing bracelets and hunks of watermelon and beer.  We politely declined. 

Finally, our reason for loving Kaboomtown began popping in the sky.  Magically, your fireworks caused half of Aintry to disappear.  And then the music began.

Now, Kaboomtown?  You've spoiled me in years past when the music would, inevitably, include Neil Diamond's "Coming to America".  This is a song that makes me want to simultaneously throw-up and sing.  It's a song that won't fit into any particular genre but "cheesy".  And, I look forward to it every year.  But, only this one time per year.  Then, like a bad rash, it just disappears, much to every one's pleasure.

I noticed on your website that the sponsoring station this year had changed.  Apparently Jack FM wanted in on some of the publicity action.  For those of you not Dallasites, this is the local "Playing What We Want", 70's, 80's, and 90's spot on the dial.

And, apparently, Neil wasn't 70's enough to score a spot.  But, Katy Perry's "Firework" was.  And how her song fits into the 70'-90's genre is up for debate.  Among imbeciles, of course.

Busting the rules at number two:  leaving out the greatest, cheez-whiz song of all times.  And replacing it with a song that compares people to plastic bags floating in the sky.  And has the nerve to ask if we relate to that most odd of comparisons.*** 

Once the fireworks were shot and we realized we had survived all the drama of the evening, we decided to vacate the premises as quickly as humanly possible.  After all, tipsy-guy was now full-on drunk and, literally, giving a lecture to his son on how to "Whoop some one's ass" properly.  My favorite quote of the talk?  "It's all about size and longevity".****

One of the reasons we've grown to love you, Kaboomtown, is that you are between five and ten minutes from our house.  How do I know this?  Because, during the school year, I meet a friend at this very shopping center.  Trust me, I've timed it. 

In years past, it has taken us a smooth ten minutes to get out of the parking lot.  And, generally, people were extraordinarily gracious.  Sure, every once in a blue moon, we'd get the frat guy from SMU who thought his BMW tailpipe exhaust didn't stink and wouldn't let anyone ahead of him in line, but that was rare.

This year?  Failure numero tres:  We arrived home 80 minutes after turning the car on to leave.

At first we thought the police officers hadn't arrived to direct traffic.  Then we theorized that budget shortages caused fewer officers.  Finally, we concluded there was an accident.  Then we noticed that everyone around us was acting like the pavement they were on and everything beside, in front, and behind them was ALSO theirs.

It wasn't until we actually got out of the parking lot that we realized the brilliant logistics department at the DPD had cut traffic down from four to one lane*****.  And that lane was only going right.  Onto a two lane street.

No exit to the tollway.  No left onto Montfort.  No moving on into Addison proper.  Right and only right. 

Even the police officer, who directed us into the MIDDLE of an intersection and then got peeved because we were there, had an attitude.  I asked if we could swing a right (as an alternative to blocking traffic) and she said, snarkily "Well, you COULD HAVE", implying "If you boneheads hadn't gotten in the lane going straight."  Problem with that theory, little Missy?  We didn't know, a mile back, that we'd need to try to move over.

Truly, if I had been a guest of the town of Addison this year, coming to the nation's third best fireworks presentation?  I would have felt totally ripped off.  Thank goodness Kaboomtown is practically our hometown show and we can give you another chance.
 
So, next year, Big K?  The Nowells are doing things differently******.  And we are giving you one more chance. 

We'll promise to structure our end a little differently to avoid this year's pitfalls.  In return, we are looking forward to a better organized event. 

And, somewhere between today and next July 3rd?  Please find Neil.  And make sure his song is on the play list.

Most sincerely,
The Dallas Nowells



*Even though they were together in family groups

**Where WAS that clown car?

***UM.  No.

****At first I thought this was the birds and bees talk.  Because, as you know, it's always a great idea to educate your son on his impending sex life while drunk and in public.  

*****I probably deserve the ticket I'll get if I'm ever pulled over and the officer runs a check and sees the link to this blog comment.

******I've already checked into renting a room at a local hotel.  For less than $125, we can stay overnight, walk to Addison Circle, or even choose to watch from the pool deck, well above the crowds and craziness.