Customer Service, No Smile

In my former, pre-multiple-children life, I trained business people.  I worked with everything from reading remediation to management training.  But, probably my favorite was working with New Hires.

New Hires are green as can be.  They know absolutely nothing about the company they've just hired into and, generally, are eager to learn.  And, frankly, they aren't yet jaded by the corporate bureacracy inherent with working for a large corporation.  

The New Hires I trained as a representative for a big bank were simultaneously on the computer and phone, answering questions for the company.  As a result of my background, I am naturally interested in how well trained other companies' reps are.  

When the following conversation occurred today and I was able to make a screen shot of the whole, sordid mess, I had to share some of the worst customer service in the universe.  

Hey, big S**** company?  Time to revamp your training!

Please wait for a S**** Agent to respond.

You are now chatting with 'Stewart B'. There will be a brief survey at the end of our chat to share feedback on my performance today.

Your Issue ID for this chat is LTK5380100081X

Stewart B: Hi, thanks for reaching out to S**** tech support. How can I help you today?

Jill: Hi. Our ice maker just went out in the fridge part of our appliance...I understand we might be able to get some financial assistance for the repair, which was quite costly.

MY BRAIN:  Buried in that poorly worded sentence is the past tense "was", meaning this happened in the past.

Stewart B: May I know the model number of the unit?

Jill: RFG298AARS

Stewart B: Thank you for the model number.

MY BRAIN:  AH.  Someone reminded him often and well, during training of course, to thank the customer, even if the conversation is a "live" chat.

Stewart B: Could you please be more specific on the ice maker issue? 

Jill: It quit making ice completely. The technician said the unit had quit functioning and that he had seen this issue before.  

MY BRAIN:  Yeah, the service guy gave me some technical jargon, which I can't remember.  His office closed at 4pm today, or I'd have the phonetic interpretation of the problem written down, just waiting.

Stewart B: Could you please let me know the service ticket number? 

Jill: 1164

Stewart B: I am sorry, it is not the service ticket number. 

MY BRAIN:  Rookie error, Momma J.  It's not a S***** ticket.

Stewart B: Could you please let me know the temperature set on the unit? 

MY BRAIN:  What in SAM HILL does this have to do with reimbursing me for a defective ice maker?  Remember those posts on Anger and Frustration?  BE NICE.
Retrospective comment:   Strike one.  Rep has no clue what the problem is.

Jill: the service ticket number i have is for a local appliance company...

Jill: currently 8 and 34 degrees, freezer and fridge

Stewart B: You need to set the temperature on the freezer to -4, for the unit to make ice. 

MY BRAIN:  Oh my gosh.  I'm going to lose it.  Why are we talking about my current, replaced, WORKING, NON-DEFECTIVE ice maker?  STAY THE COURSE.  BE NICE.
Retrospective comment:  Strike two.  Why did I take the bait about temperature?  I should have reiterated that I have a service ticket and want someone to reimburse me for the lousy ice maker repair.
 

Jill: the ice maker is currently working at 4 degrees--the problem is that the ice maker unit quit working on June 20th. It was completely broken, regardless of temperature. I'm asking for help with reimbursement. 

Stewart B: I am sorry, S***** does not provide any reimbusment.

Stewart B: *reimbursement.

MY BRAIN:  Good catch on the spelling error, dude.  But, you are not helping in the slightest.  In fact, I am teetering on frustration, which will clearly lead to anger, which I can't do right now because it would completely hypocritical, considering I wrote posts on these two things in the last 36 hours.  ARGH.
Retrospective comment:  Strike three.  DUDE.  You are SO OUT!

Jill: for faulty parts, even?

Stewart B: Could you pleas let me know when the unit was purchased? 

Now Hooman needs help with his long division and Nickels wants to swim.  The Babe is trying to cobble together dinner.  WHY did I pick 5pm to tackle this issue?

Jill: I think I would prefer to talk to someone at an 800# tomorrow morning--I'm dealing with kids on my end and this is becoming too difficult. Can you please provide an appropriate number?

MY BRAIN:  You are becoming more of an idiot by the moment.  I am bailing on you.  There will be no second chat.  And no goodbye hug.

Stewart B: I am sorry, I can help you with the issue.

Jill: I can't get to the purchase date right now--

 

Stewart B: Have you tried resetting the ice maker?

MY BRAIN:  I thought I declared you OUT.  Why am I still talking to you when, clearly, you are still not getting it?  Thank goodness homicide by computer isn't possible.  This is worse than potty-training a monkey.

Jill: The ice maker has already been replaced. It is working fine at the moment. I am looking to speak with someone who can help explain the policy for reimbursing us for the broken, DEFECTIVE unit.

MY BRAIN:  If he replies there is no reimbursement from S**** available, I'm going to through my head into a wall.

Jill: 800 number, please

Stewart B: I am sorry, there is no reimbursement option available from S*****.

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG (the sound of my head hitting the wall.)

Jill: I would like you to provide an 800 number. Even if there is no reimbursement available, I'd like to talk with a person. Please.

MY BRAIN:  Because, obviously, a conversation with a live idiot will trump this fake conversation with a moron.

Jill: Again, I can not continue this conversation with my children in the background. I need to continue pursuing this in the morning, on a telephone line.

Stewart B: Okay.

Stewart B: You can contact the phone support at 1.800.726.7864.

Stewart B: Please allow me to go through the inquiry.

MY BRAIN (dripping sarcasm):  I sure hope he's not crying because I'm cutting him off....

Stewart B: Could you please let me know the email address with which you registered the unit?

MY BRAIN:  Now I feel bad.  He's trying to help and I'm being bitchy through my keyboard.

Jill: This is absolutely no reflection on you. I am swamped on this end. You can try the email j***@mail.com.

Stewart B: Thank you.

Stewart B: I will provide you a ticket for the conversation of the chat so that you can contact the phone support and start the conversation from where you left. 

MY BRAIN:  Oh, HELL NO.  I'm burning that number and acting like we never.ever.ever.talked.  This has been way painful.

In the meantime, I'm helping with step 13 of a long division problem.  The only thing that makes the lengthy wait bearable is the fact that there is no elevator music with a live chat.

Approximately five minutes lapse, then....

Stewart B: I don't mean to rush you, but are we still connected on the chat? 

MY BRAIN:  Rush me?  Through what?  Long division?  I'm sorry, your last contact was I'm getting YOU a number.   BE NICE.

Jill: Yes.

Jill: Waiting on the ticket number

Stewart B: Okay.

ANOTHER five minutes go by, during which the last math problem is accomplished and the kids are all suited up for the pool.  I've unplugged the computer to move to the back porch.

Jill: Is the ticket number ready yet?

Stewart B: I apologize for the delay.

I am able to get a beer from the fridge, which is the least I deserved after these shananagins, and walk Mike through the entire chat waiting for that number.

Stewart B: The ticket id is 1011637838.*

MY BRAIN:  I hope he doesn't feel like a complete failure.  Even though, truthfully, he WAS.  But, I should still be nice.

Jill: Thank you for your help.

Stewart B: Thank you for chatting with us. If you have a minute, please click on the blue “X close” button to receive a transcript of your chat and fill out a brief survey to help us serve you better. Have a wonderful day!
Follow S**** Service on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.

Stewart B: You're welcome. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Stewart B: Sorry for the typo.

Stewart B: .Please ignore the above statements.

That last statement is the gem.  Am I supposed to ignore the survey, the typo, or the entire chat?

I think you know which of these things I am going to do....

*Interesting factoid:  it is now almost 20 hours later and I STILL don't have the ticket number in my email inbox. What do you think the chances are I'm going to get anywhere with this company?