I am what you might call a "late bloomer". I've done everything the hard, painful, scab-and-scar-creating way.
I've attempted to make people Gods and God an idol. Both failed miserably.
I've tried to be perfect. That failed worse than making people my idol.
I've tried to not care if I'm not perfect. That fell flat.
Name a situation and, likely, I've been there. And lived through it.
I first hit rock bottom at 19. It was the most painful, miserable year of my life. I gained considerable weight, almost failed out of school, and thought my life was over. I was confused, scared, worried, angry and a range of unhealthy emotions that no 19-year-old should be able to cobble into one sentence. I was a walking "Bless Your Heart" in action.
Then came my late 20's. I was skidding through life in a lightweight car on ice in the driving snows of Alaska. There was no traction. There was no hope.
Once again, I thought my life was over. Hope left the building and it was dark and damp and scary and overwhelming. And I was so, pitifully, alone.
At 19, I solidly rejected the thought of God. It wasn't that I disliked or didn't trust Him as much as He and His teachings were inconvenient to me having "fun".
In my late 20's, I couldn't find Him. I didn't know where to turn. It took everything not to follow the voices in my head to "hit that concrete barrier head-on and it will all be over." But, God knew that there was more to come from my life.
At the time, because it was the only thing left I hadn't tried, I cried to God, not because I knew He would help, but because there was no one else I could turn to. I was so unsure, I didn't even know if He even cared anymore.
Turns out, He did.
When it came down to nothing but a primordial scream that only God could possibly hear, I realized that all along, it was just to two of us working through this. Those who had hurt me had long forgotten the sting of the wounds they had inflicted. Or they were too ignorant to care. Or I was too scared to express myself for fear that I might just snap and one of us would end up in the morgue.
And when I realized God was all that mattered and I truly asked for Him to take away the guilt and shame and pain and hurt and all those things I couldn't seem to shake, that was when the healing began.
And, to this day, so many, many years later, the healing is still taking place. Events that remind me of who I once was can catapult me back in time and paralyze me for a period if I'm not careful. If I take my eyes off the prize. If I forget WHOSE I am. And that I was bought at a very steep price.
I don't think there will be a day in this world that I don't experience healing of some sort. Each time I think "WHEW! I'm sure glad THAT is over" I seem to be catapulted into another gigantic abyss of pain. And, even though I often wish it would just end, I realize this is what draws me closer to God and more to the person He created me to be.
Bottom line: all along, there was God. He was there through my rejection, my suffering, my loneliness, my depression, my divorce, my worries. He was there for everything. I was the one who was absent.
He reminds me of the faithful puppy you see lying on the cold concrete of Chicago next to the homeless person he calls "friend". Even though that pup can't rely on his friend to provide a solid meal every day, he doesn't hesitate to walk wherever that homeless man goes. He'll stay tied to the post outside the shelter overnight, in the bitter cold, waiting. In the dead of the Winter when the blizzard warning has driven everyone off the streets except for the pup and his friend, you can glimpse God.
God, just like that puppy, wouldn't leave you if his life depended on it. There is no weather forecast, no approaching storm, no temperature extreme that is going to make Him leave. He knows you; He's known you since before you were even known to your very own Mother.
And HE LOVES YOU.
He wants the best for you. But, only you can decide that the time is right. Only YOU can reach out for Him. He's been wooing you all these years. Is it time to call out in the dark, even if you aren't really sure He's there, and ask Him to help?
I sure hope so. I sure pray so. And I sure know He does, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment