Fencing Anyone?

Fencing.

For some reason I am fascinated by the practice of fencing. I'm trying to decide if my freaky desire to try my hand at this is simply because I would get to poke people with a big stick in the chest. And that seems so, well, naughty.

Sure, it's an Olympic sport. But, it runs contrary to everything I was taught would hurt me growing up. You don't run with scissors, kick people in the crotch, or hit with big sticks.

I've managed to live my entire life without impaling myself with scissors. I'll admit to kicking young boys where it counts when I was little, but that stopped cold when I had punishment exacted on me*. But, I don't ever remember hitting anyone with anything remotely stick-like.

Maybe I'm excited about the prospect because the only time I remember seeing a woman fencing it was Catherine Zeta-Jones in the trailer for Zorro.** And, dang, did she look good!

But, let's face it. She was probably around 22 at the time, was corseted up from her hips to her breasts, and they likely shot the take fourteen times to keep from getting the shots where she was breathing like a Budweiser Clydesdale after a particularly long run dragging the wagon, dog, and a thousand bottles of beer.

Men fence all the time starting as little boys. They wallop each other in the head with them. They poke each other, prod at dog turds, and pick their teeth with them. Just, hopefully, not in that order.

But, that's how I know not to play with sticks: my brother was admonished to keep away from small tree limbs all the time, especially if they were being brandished as a weapon and were being hurled at me. Lest he be kicked in the crotch.

So when today's Groupon deal was for one private lesson and one group fencing lesson, I was immediately interested. I checked the particulars and noticed one thing that was a little alarming: all the classes were after school and on Saturday afternoons.

Does anyone else here alarm bells?

I hear "after school" and I think "I'll be in a class with children who would be too short to ride the "Tornado of Death" at the local amusement park. Children who are conditioned at the art of fencing and will repeatedly and violently thrust their rapier, yet never have to stop for water and/or a deep breath. And they? Will they beat the snot out of me with a really sharp, steel stick. And I'll have the urge to kick them in the jewels."

Fencing? I still adore thee. From afar.

But, apparently I have issues from childhood I need to get past before I should even consider gearing up.


*Yeah. It hurts. Even if you are a girl.

**Notice, I never saw the movie. Just the trailer.