The THIGHS Have It

Thigh #1*: PSSSST. T2. What's shakin'?

Thigh #2**: Was that supposed to be a joke?

Thigh #1 (quaking like a bowl full of jelly): Yeah. Funny, huh??

Thigh #2: It might be funny if it weren't so true.

Thigh #1: So, what's she been eating that's come your way?

Thigh #2: I think it was a piece of cake but she ate it really weird. It started as all frosting, then merged into all cake, then all frosting again. Must have butchered that thing.

Thigh #1: I'm all cookie balls over here. It would kind of be funny if she were a guy. Get it? Balls.....

Thigh #2: You are a laugh riot, dude.

Thigh #1: I KNOW.

Thigh #2: Hey! Move off me.

Thigh #1: ME? It's you that moved closer.

Thigh #2: NO.I.DIDN'T.

Thigh #1: YES.YOU.DID. DID. DID. DID.

Thigh #2: Look. I'm telling you I didn't move.

Thigh #1: It's almost like we're, what do you call it? Rising...growing...what's that word?

Thigh #2: Do you mean "expanding"?

Thigh #1: That's IT! We're expanding.

Thigh #2: Toward each other. That completely explains why you keep rubbing up against me. It's horrible. Especially in this wind suit. It sounds like two pieces of Saran Wrap having a terrible fight. UGH.

Thigh #1: What should we do? I like you and all but I'm starting to get a bit closet phobic.

Thigh #2: You mean claustrophobic, fool. Follow my lead: I'm working on rubbing a hole in the pants right now. Maybe that will be a sign it's time to lay off those Christmas cookies.

Thigh #1: I don't know. She's pretty stubborn this time of year. She likes her sugar.

Thigh #2: Yeah. But I don't think she'll like the holey pants I'm working on. Come on dude...do your part.

MEANWHILE....North of Thigh....in the land of mouth:

Me: "Honey? Do these pants seem a little too tight on me right now?"

Mike (panicking, trying to figure out what the best PC answer would be, given the line of questioning that resembles "Do these pants make my butt look big?"):
"I think I've been rendered BLIND. Can't see!!! Must.rinse.eyes.for.a.LOOOOONNNNNGGGG.while. Ask one of the kids....."


May your Christmas be filled with all things yummy
that won't expand your hips or tummy.

May your New Year party leave you happy
instead of feeling very crappy.

And may all your thighs be quiet and charming
instead of sounding the chubby warning!



*This is the thigh, attached to the foot, that has had multiple surgeries and has never quite been the same since. As a result, this thigh is a little chubbier than it's counterpart. And since it doesn't shape up in reponse to exercise quite as well as the other thigh, I think it is dumber.

**This is the less-chubby counterpart to Thigh #1. Notice I didn't use the terms "thin", "skinny", or "bony". No super or model here.