Being the Worst Mother In the World is a HARD JOB

Yesterday morning I reamed the HOOMAN for the following:

"I don't like this ham. I'm not going to eat it."

Well, it was sub-7am and I'd been up since 5:30. I had packed lunches, boiled eggs, whipped together waffles (complete with fresh strawberry topping, thank you) and fried some leftover ham pieces.

If I had had coffee, it obviously hadn't started to work, because the diatribe that follows spilled out of my mouth so quickly that Mike didn't even have a chance to chew his waffle and try to stop me.

"HOOMAN. There are starving children in India* who are searching through trash, complete with raw sewage and spoiled meat, just to find a little piece of ham like those on your plate. And there are children dying in Africa, being followed around by vultures who are just waiting for them to die so they can eat**. I provide three meals a day for you; I cook all three. I even make sure they are healthy and don't contain ingredients you are allergic to. Now, you need to eat your ham.***"

Everyone at the table was pretty quiet.

Someone said "I'm going to eat my ham."

Hooman said "I'm sorry Momma. I'll eat it."

And, later that night? He asked to pray and said "God, please feed the hungry kids in India and Africa." All while Mike is kicking my shin under the table and I'm biting my lip, trying not to cry or laugh.

I could have shrunk down to the size of a pea and rolled myself out of the house into a pile of Doug poo at that moment and I STILL would have felt like crap.

But, silver-lining-alert: I taught my kid a lesson that stuck!

Now, if I can just figure out how to do it without all the hostility of a swarm of disturbed hornets.


*Do you know how I know this? Because I watched "Slum Dog Millionaire". If your brain cells are even slightly firing, you'll realize I haven't traveled outside the states or done any overseas mission work. But, I believe this type of poverty exists because HOLLYWOOD TELLS ME IT DOES. I know how pathetic that sounds. But, please, don't hit the comment button to tell me so.

**Don't ask why I know this. It just sends me into fits of crying to even think about it.

***If you ever look up the definition of "overkill" in the dictionary, don't be surprised to see my picture.