Chips, Anyone?!

I have become increasingly convinced that all children are born with a God-designed, impossible-to-detect, slowly disinegrating, micro-chip-type mechanism inside their bodies that causes them to bicker, hit, scream, cry, and throw fits.

Some unfortunate parents see an early denegration of the chip. If you had a colicky child, experienced the terrible twos or threes, or suffered through early independence when your four or five year old was convinced s/he was going on sixteen, I'm sorry. You got the short end of the stick.

If you had a child who refused to bathe, obey, sleep, nap, or couldn't stop talking, blame the chip. Stand in line with the short end of the stick parents. You can whine together.

But, just when I had given up hope that anything could solve these early chip issues, I noticed that the beginning of summer seemed to heal the chip in my children. And I began to ponder this and realized "I think it might just be the sun."

You see, my children could have been crowned with jeweled headpieces the week or so after school ended and the weather was in the 80s. Nobody was fighting, everyone loved each other, and they could entertain themselves with a piece of string and a rubberband for hours.

Then, we added heat to the equation when the temperature rose into the 90s. And, as July approached, I realized we were in for a long period of chip-issues. Sadly, I was right.

The pool in our backyard? "BOOOORRRRing."
Playing board games? "Huh uh."
Reading? "UM. School's out?" (with a subtle hint of "DUH" on the side)

Yet...

Hitting our brother(s)? Check.
Screaming about someone touching us? Yup.
Shaking our booty and slapping it, all rap fashion? Covered.

I think, in the presence of heat, the chip starts to fritz and you get all these temporary, odd behaviors. When the day ends and the thermometer has reached a cool 88 degrees and the children get settled in bed*, the chip renews itself and, by morning, is ready for the next day. But, a little worse for the wear due to all the heat**.

By August, the heat and humidity cause the chip to start to accelerate at alarming rates. Even sleep doesn't seem to "cure" the chip of its issues. It's a virtual melt-down.

And then I realized: The whole summer cycle? It's all for Mommy.

(Blog reader commentary: "MOMMY? Have you lost your cotonn-picking mind, woman?")

(Blog writer response: "No. Just go with me for a second.")

Yes. For Mommy.

Because, at the beginning of summer you think: "WOW! I must have been a little pre-menopausal last August! Why would I have wanted these lovely children to go back to school? They are such a JOY to have at home. Maybe I should home-school them next year." In other words, you are delusional.

But, by the end of August, you have regained your clairty and are ready to pinch the heads off your whiney, bored, heat-stressed children.

And there, looming in the distance, is the biggest defender of Motherhood-mental health ever: SCHOOL!!!

That's when chip issues are relegated to after-three-pm hours and you can feel sorry for the teacher and be sure to shower her with fattening treats and yummy-smelling body goods for the trouble you're SURE she is enduring due to chip malfunction in your child.

And, even if you are a little sad to see summer end and to send little Joannie/Johnny to school, you realize there will be order back in your house. A schedule. Real bedtimes. SANITY!!!

So, buck up! School is approaching fast.

And, if my theory holds true, only a scant few weeks before the weather cools off and those chips stop acting all crazy on us.



*Can I take a moment to tell the federal government that they can shove Daylight Savings Time where the sun doesn't shine? Because, if the sun weren't shining, I wouldn't have to deal with the ridiculous argument "BUT. The sun's still out (whine). So why do we have to go to bed?"

**And God help you should you live/visit some place with REAL humidity. Like Houston. Holy cats. By 10am the chip is about to explode.