This is Dedicated to PY

Here comes the dirty laundry, readers. Inspired by my friend who has two boys and who, like most Moms, needs inspiration to make it through the day:

1. Places that have been urinated from/upon/in since having kids ten years ago:

a. front yard (off the porch, facing our neighbor's house, was my personal fav.)
b. back yard (N, S, E, and W.)*
c. beds (ooopsy)
d. bathtubs (while filling, almost filled, and filled; with one boy, two boys, and three boys. Dr. Seuss would be SO proud.)
e. bathroom floors, toilets (not including the bowl), and walls.

2. Most ridiculous thing I've seen all week:
Child took a peanut butter cookie from the freezer to the dryer to "defrost" it. Thank goodness for other, tattling children.

3. Amount of money I've added to Johnson&Johnson's bottom line since having children: $12,345.67.**

4. What drives me ape-poo batty? When boys try to pee "over" the top of their trousers, by pulling their wanker up and semi-"out". This always ends up in a mess all over their underwear and britches and, for the really poor at target practice, wet socks and shoes.

5. ER visits to date: The Babe: 1, The HOO Man: 5ish, The DOO Man: 3.***

6. Month we met our medical insurance deductible for the year: early March.

7. Phrases that routinely issue from my mouth:

a. "Do I look like your servant?"
b. "Sit down."
c. "Stand up."
d. "I forgive you."
e. "Please pick the clothes/towels/Legos/dishes up off the ground."
f. "I don't care if _____ is supposed to do it. I asked YOU."
g. "EXCUSE me?" (dripping sarcasm)
h. "Go to time out."
i. "I told you to stay in bed." (What I'm thinking: "REALLY? You again? Is it 6am already?")
j. "Where are you going?"
k. "How many times am I going to have to tell you..."
l. "Four on the floor."****
m. "Buckle up."
n. "Has everyone buckled up?" (add exasperated tone)
o. "Good gravy." (always when I can't believe the lunacy)
p. "Skitamarink (a dink a dink, skitamarink a doo, I love you.")
q. "Kind words are like honeycomb." (My favorite Bible verse the last two years)r. "Please recite Phillipians 2, verses 3-4." Pause for recitation. "Now, WHO were you thinking about?" (My favorite Bible verse of late)
s. "When you ____, did you think I wouldn't catch you?"
t. "Where are your school shoes?" (10 minutes before we need to be at the school.)
u. "Is there any wine in the house?" (Rhetorical question, whispered under my breath, around dinner time when the kids are one step away from an orphanage.)
v. "Please be quiet."
w. "Close your mouth when you chew."
x. "Wash your hands." (After smelling them and discovering they smell like week old moldy bologna.)
y. "If you brushed your teeth I'm a monkey's Uncle."
z. "You've GOT to be kidding."

But, for all the daily difficulties of being a parent, it doesn't take much to turn my week around. Here's the unprovoked/unexpected, yet sweetest thing I've heard all week:

"Momma?"
"Yes, baby."
"I love you."

Oh, and PY? We queens of the roost have to stick together to raise these princes to their full height. Always know that the door is open, the phone is available, and, undoubtedly, we'll look back on this in a scant 15 years and wonder where the time went.


*I'll say it again, DADS. Yes, this SEEMS inoculous and cute when you teach junior this trick so you can get one shot for the picture album. But what you are doing is creating a piss monster, one that's indiscriminate about all things pee. And don't ever try to pass this off on the Momma; those kids ain't squating, sir.

**And that's only in band-aid products.

***The Nowell wing, at Richardson Regional, will break ground in August '10.

****We have a mighty big issue with boys keeping all four legs of the kitchen table chairs on the ground.