Doggie Pills

So I visited the vet this week to load up on doggie vit-a-mens.*

Seems my vet has decided to close his doors after something like a 40 year run. Just when he and I were hitting a groove in our dog owner/dog doctor relationship.**/***

This vet is as guy as they get. I can see him cleaning his guns, just for grins, on Saturday nights. Yet not quite getting the irony that they are Saturday Night Specials.

Anyway. When he asked if I wanted to buy an entire year's worth of meds, I looked at him kind of funny like "WHY? I mean, these dogs are great and all. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? They could get hit by the Red Vette from down the street and be gone. THEN what would I do with these things?"

He seemed to (1) understand my dilemma or (2) remembered I won the neighborhood frugal award as a freshman on the street because he went on to explain that the day after health care was passed, all his major pharmaceutical companies raised their prices. Exponentially.

For example, a pill he was getting for $2 before health care? Now $20. Why? Because the same folks that bring you Nexium also have branches that create dog/cat junk and they are being hit by accounting losses to compensate for national health care. He recommended I buy the annual dosage just to avoid the cost increase that was about to be passed along the next time a vet ordered for me.

After I picked my chin up off the counter and removed an errant hair from my bottom lip, I was able to think again. It never occurred to me that it would cost more to have a dog after health care passed. I mean, I've never purchased pet insurance, because I always thought it was for "those kind" of pet owners.****

Turns out, after the new law? Those kind of pet owners have got it going on in the upstairs department.

I'm finally keeping track of the boy's expenses in their own column and I'm discovering they ain't cheap. I mean rawhide, collars, tags, anal gland expressions? These things cost money, people. And I'm beginning to wonder if pet insurance wouldn't be a great idea.*****

But, in the long scheme of my life, I'm not overly worried because I had THE TALK with both the boys before the adoption process was complete. It went like this:

"Your lifespan, according to the AKC records I have looked up, is 15 years. That coincides with my youngest boy's High School graduation. After the ceremony and obligatory dinner, my husband and I have a stretch goal to land on every continent at least once before we are too old or weak to enjoy the scenery."

"You, my dears, are NOT going with us. So, unless you favor lots and LOTS of time in kennels with other dogs, you should start thinking about retiring to Doggie Heaven about that time. K?"

I took the silent stares, wagging tails, and ever moving tongues as indications that both dogs were on board with this plan.

Either that, or they were calculating the amount of time between my diatribe and their car ride. During which they would both attempt to leave presents of the "bad dog" kind.

The retaliation for my lousy attitude was flat ugly and stinky.

But it sure beats the pants off sky high pet meds.


*For those of you who only speak Americanese, walk with me to England. They don't say vy-ta-mins. It's vit-a-mens. Even their freakin' pills sound snotty and ultra cool.

**Meaning he knows I like my dogs, sometimes will even admit to loving them, but I still don't think their tongues belong anywhere remotely near my mouth. Or vice versa, for that matter.

***WAIT A COTTON PICKIN' MINUTE. We met shortly ago and now he's quitting for good? Do I smell correlation? Or is that dog poo?

****People who love their animals more than their parents, children, in-laws, and psychiatrists. Who buy overpriced coffee mugs with pictures of their "babies". Last time I checked, "Whippet" and "What the Hell is That?" don't have their own coffee mugs.

*****But when you are short-sighted, you come in just when the rates quadruple. Which is exactly where the rates will be if I make a phone call to DOGS IS US Insurance Co. in the morning.