Hatin' on This Movie

I've had one of those days where I needed a good cry. So I rented The Time Traveler's Wife.

Even though the wage for the rental was meager*, I would like to demand a timely and complete refund from Redbox because I was duped into believing this was some cute, romantic movie reminiscent of The Notebook. Less all the forgetfulness and plus some travel through time.

WRONG. What I got was a screwed up story of a sub-teen falling for a grown man** who has this irritating habit of dropping every bit of clothing in the blink of an eye and showing up in another time and place naked as a jay bird***. Oh. And the supposed love story between the two.

NOT.

I couldn't believe the audacity of the girl/woman in this story. First, let me just say that any movie that portrays women in love as completely and utterly stupid and blind is probably right. And this character was S.T.U.P.I.D.

As I'm prone to do, I had to analyze the stupidity, starting with this: she's known this guy since she was little and she's the only one aging. STUPID WOMAN. Can't you do the easy math and figure out, eventually, he's going to look the same and you are going to look like a prune?

Or this: she actually has the nerve to gripe at this guy when he time travels after they get married. STUPID WOMAN. Your first clue should have been that the very first time you met him he appeared out of nowhere and disappeared in front of your eyes. HMM.

In a stunning reversal of fortune, she is the one woman on the face of the Earth that got EXACTLY what she dated. And she is gritching about it??? THINK, WOMAN, THINK.

Or this: She's desperate to have kids with this guy because SHE really wants a child. Can you say "life of a single Mommy?" STUPID WOMAN.

Any of us with children can attest to the importance of having a husband to remind us that murder is in the Top 10. With a hubby who has this annoying habit of dropping drawer and taking off, she was destined to become the single Mom with absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, NO REASON to complain.

Rarely will I ever cheer when I find out a character dies in a movie. But I was so glad when I found out the traveling dude was dead. Now we were cooking with gas. The complaining, stupid woman and her time-traveling-daughter**** could get on with their lives.

But, NO. He comes back. Like Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street. Except with fewer clothes and an ending that proved, once again, this woman is utterly daft.

OH.MY.GOSH. There were so many times I almost turned this movie off. It made me mad that Hollywood spent money to convince me I was going to either a) enjoy this piece o' junk in a gushy, romantic way or b) ball my eyes out and, thus, fulfill my purpose for renting in the first dang place.

Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute. Who's the stupid woman here?????


*$1.08 too much.

**My EWomter was OFF the friggin' charts. I don't give a rat's rear if a young girl is attracted to you, time traveling man. She's off limits. Period. Even when she is older. EW.

***Note to producers: after the first full-moon played by Eric Bana's butt, I was so over it. I didn't need to see it over and over and over again. I got it the first time. He's naked. Let's move on.

****Really. Genetically inherited time travel genes. The next designer baby should come standard with this option.