Airline Trips

When I was a wee-bit younger, somewhere around 3rd or 4th grade, my parents took me and my brother on a trip to Disneyworld.

Since Michigan and Florida aren't exactly spitting distance from one another, we flew. It was a trip of firsts: first time on a plane, first time "cutting class"*, and the first time my brother experienced flight sickness and I learned about "barf bags".

Since that time, much in the airline industry has changed. One of the biggest changes is the clientele.

Thanks to competition, one can afford to jump a plane with only three weeks notice**. And it seems many people have embraced this concept and are using it with gusto.

Mike reminded me tonight, post-flight, of his "favorite" reasons for flying these days. I took the ball and ran with it, like a cat on fire.

So, for your entertainment, I present...

THE NOWELL LIST OF THINGS WE PRAY WON'T HAPPEN WHEN WE BOARD A FLIGHT

1. Being seated next to someone who reeks. It doesn't matter of what. Cigarettes, cologne, alcohol, day-old Jewish sandwich, or hand sanitizer.

If you stink like something, we don't want to be within 50 feet o' your gnarly ass.

2. Finding body parts oozing over the arm rest.

If you can't control your body, I WILL. I carry duct tape, jerkoid, so keep your stuff within the confines of your own friggin' seat.

3. Hearing hacking that sounds like a kid with croup.

If you are so sick you sound sick, you really shouldn't be 30,000 feet above the Earth, in a tube of tin with recirculated air. Do you think your germs are better than my immune system? Well, I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT ON MY VACATION.

4. Discovering the middle seat is occupied by someone who needs you to "coach" them through landing or take-off.

I actually read a story not so long ago about a 30-something Father who panic-screamed like a teenage girl going up and coming back down. To his Wife, I ask "Does he have balls in those tidy whities?"

Please, people. Get over your fear the old-fashioned way and take a tequila shot at the TGIFriday's BEFORE you get on the plane.

5. Learning your in-flight, next door neighbor, feels the need to evangelize you, even though you are wearing a Twyla Paris concert T-shirt, a ithicus ring, and a diamond-encrusted cross around your neck.

You should join the screaming banshee at Friday's and take a shot beforehand.

6. Winning the "last seat on the plane" lottery and having the dude who looks like a human pincushion, with Hepatitis C issues, plop down next to you.

Response to the flight attendant when asked about anything to eat or drink? "No. Thank you. But, I'll take an industrial-size-vat of germicide and a face mask, please."

7. Finding the person next to the window making a small collection of "little bottles" and reaching for the barf bag.

Drunks should stay on terra firma. That sense of comfort you feel in your own bathroom when you hang your head over the toilet and let 'er rip? Non-existent on a plane. Plus, what's that blue stuff at the bottom of the airplane commode? Do you really want to stick your head in there to find out? EEEEWW.


Of course, we're off to California in a few weeks and I guarantee there will be a story or two coming from those plane rides.

Shoot, with ONE kid you have a great chance of a funny story. But with THREE? The stories practically write themselves.

Happy Flying.


*Not to worry: I had a packet of duplicated copies of "homework" I remember completing on the plane. Never too much edumacation.

**Just without any actual baggage. Unless you count the emotional baggage you carry on board from that time your Great-Grandmother actually said to you, in your first meeting in a couple of years, "My! You've gotten fat." Bitty.