The Dream Police

I'm one of those folks who dreams vividly. There are times the images are so real that, after waking up, I try my hardest to go back to sleep to continue dreaming. It seems, if I'm woken, I can never re-enter La-La Land where I am back on a beach, weighing 125 pounds, with a perfect tan and the cutest little bathing suit.

Anyhoo, the other night, I was in full-on REM mode. I had a dream that was so real I woke up in a panic. I couldn't believe this could happen to ME.

You see, I was fired from my job.

Now, as most of you know, I am Mom, head chef, taxi driver, bill payer, maid, errand girl and wife*. Some of these things I do with ninja precision. Others I suck at.

So I got to thinking: When you are paid NO MONEY for your job, can you really be fired from it? Last time I checked, zero minus zero is still a big goose egg.

Then I realized that, in and of itself, being paid nothing is a huge red flag that reads "POTENTIALLY BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF". Kind of like when you volunteer to teach Vacation Bible School when your kids are two and, seventeen years later, you are still being suckered into volunteering. Even though your kids are long since gone, you refuse to sing "Kumbaya" anymore, and you wear a bigger version of the same diapers you are changing on the kids in your room.

That's when it hit me. Oh.My.Goodness. I've taken a job I can't possibly escape. Because nobody can fired me from it and nobody wants it!

Now, should I go all female John Gosselin and take off with a dude who's about 19, Mike will never be able to remarry. Just try to control this allergy-prone, three-school-pick-ups, four-sport-playing, two-dog-owning, crazy zoo of a family.

I could see Mike personally contacting the guy from "America's Most Wanted", begging him to put out an APB on my sorry butt, after cooking a gluten-free meal for the first time. Or realizing THAT'S what Doug's anal glands secrete**.

Thankfully, for my sweet man, I've fallen into a comfortable groove with all of it. I can whoop a dog's rear-end for climbing on the table at the same time I correct math homework and cook up a tasty meal.

Come to think about it, I'm pretty-stinkin' OK at this here job. I might even upgrade myself to GOOD on some days.

So, faceless dream-induced man who fired me, stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Now, if you happen in on me, while sleeping, and I have a big smile on my face and seem really contented, turn off the alarm and back away.

If you don't? I'll tie you to a chair and recreate my beach dream in present day.

You REALLY don't want to go there.



*We won't play the Sesame Street game "Which of these things doesn't belong", because if you've known me long enough, you know my strengths. And know better than to bring up my weaknesses.

And, if the previous statement made you laugh because you can't count my weaknesses on one hand, I reserve the right to bake you brownies made with Ex-Lax. Then we'll see who's weak.

**There are no words. Just lots of thanks that we have a vet who will take care of this little issue for us. I'd pay a million big ones to never have to do that again.