Flippin' Facebook Off

Facebook sucks. Now that I've put it out there* I feel so much better.

Why, might you wonder, do I feel this way? Well, let me invite you inside my warped little mind for just a gander:

1. If I see "LOL" or "OM_" one more time, I'm going to puke.

I'm a dinosaur when it comes to technology. I don't text. I don't Twitter. I don't attempt to get myself into positions that people would want to film to put on YouTube.

Generally, if I want to communicate with someone, I pick up a telephone and call them. Then, if something makes me laugh, the other person hears me snort and giggle and I don't have to type "ROFL"**.

2. If I have to read this type of post again, I might go postal: "________ has a long day ahead but it should be a good one."

This is classic "Facebook baiting", where the person KNOWS the rest of her FB friends are obligated to reply with "WHATZUP that your day is going to be long but good?"

I hate bait. It stinks and it's squishy. I only deal with it because I HAVE TO if I want to fish. Thank you, I don't want to bite it on FB.

Besides, if she REALLY wanted her friends to know what was going on, she'd have typed "I have my annual gyno appointment today, followed up by a massage."

3. Quite possibly my "favorite" type of post is this one: "Just finished 1000 crunches, 15 miles around the track, and 1.5 miles in the pool. All before Wheaties."

This is the "Facebook fishing expedition" you've just encountered. The one where you are baited into complimenting someone for something they think you should be impressed by.

This type of post always makes me wonder "Did your parents not pay enough attention to you when you were little?", "Is your arm broken from all the back patting you are doing?", or "Should my hands hurt from clapping for you?"

We'll notice you did these things later, when you actually LOOK LIKE you did these things. Then, IN PERSON, we'll tell you how good you look.

Meanwhile, please don't fish for "WOW! You're awesome" as a reply. Again, not so much into the "baiting" thing.

4. How can someone possibly have 1236 friends that they communicate with on a regular basis?

Good gracious. I have five core family members and two dogs in my life. There are plenty of days I can hardly get around to giving all of them the love they deserve.

Now, if I had to do that for 1231 MORE people (or dogs), I'd be psychotic. There just isn't enough time in a day or that many words in my vocabulary***. Especially if I want it to MEAN something.

Do yourself a favor and pick your TRUE friends and communicate with them on a one-on-one basis. Even email is a little more personal than 1236 of your friends being all up in your business.


I'm kind of a "If you are going to gripe, there really should be some deep thought going into this and, hopefully a solution" kind of person. So, in keeping with my personality, I thought there should be an answer to this annoyance I'm feeling with FB.

So, I'm checking my FB page once per day or less. If someone asks a real question (that I can logically answer), I create a reply. Otherwise, I'm checking out the comings and goings of my narrow list of friends and logging back off.

No more minute-by-minute waiting for someone to reply to my posts or them to reply to mine. No more refreshing the screen to see if a new post has appeared. No more wondering if this person is referring to something I'VE done to him/her when he/she posts a wonderful/hateful comment.

From now on, I'll call or email my friends directly when I have an issue or just want to catch up. Back to the prehistoric ages for this chick.

C Ya FB. Parting is such sweet JOY.


*And, according to one of the greatest lines from one of the greatest movies of ALL time, "OH NO. It's out there." Big hugs to Billy Crystal.

**The acronym, incidentally, reminds me of ralphing.

***OK. That's actually a lie. But it sounded good.