The restaurant with the MOSTEST

While I was in Houston a couple of weeks ago, I passed by a restaurant named "The Brick House". Of course, being a child of the 70's and 80's, I wanted to break into the old Commodores song of the same title. However, hearkening back to my Helen Reddy fiasco just days before, and wanting to spare the ears of those in the car with me, I refrained.

That didn't stop my brain from moving forward, though. ADD in full-steam-ahead, my brain went "WAIT JUST ONE COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE! Is that "Shake it down shake it down Shake it down shake it down now" and "thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six"*? Must that mean that this state has another "men only" restaurant to join Hooters and Twin Peaks?"

I consulted someone I trust implicitly, and she admitted that, years ago, she and her sister had accidentally ended up in one of these charming establishments in another state. Basically, these two gals walked in blind, were STARVING, and weren't in the mood to get back in the car. So they sucked it up and forged forward.

Their first clue that something was amiss? The sign above the door at the entrance said "Welcome to the Man Cave".

It got a little better when they were seated in Barcaloungers with flip up TV trays to complement the flat screen that was attached to EACH recliner. Yes, friends, even a GIRL can appreciate that.

Bottom line?** If you love the idea of Double D Cup cakes*** and Submissive Baked Potato Soup, you have found the dive for VOUS!

So, I started thinking.**** If restaurant designers were to come up with a "ladies only" restaurant, what would it be like? Here's my list, forward-looking entrepreneurs with some extra coin to spend:

1. When you enter, a man, fully clothed in a Versace suit, and straight off the cover of a romance novel, greets you with a cocktail; your choice of cocktail was prearranged when you made the reservation. You sit in a quiet waiting area with a water feature, soothing music, and as much Godiva chocolate as you can down. If you so desire, comfy, soft slippers and bathrobes are available. For the ultimate relaxation, throw your feet up on a just-the-right-height-for-a-woman's-legs ottoman. Scrap that: ottoWOman.

2. When you've finished your cocktail, Mr. Novel returns with a slightly worried look, gets down on his knees to face you, eye-to-eye, and says "You look like you've had a rough day. Why don't you lie down for a short nap?" He ushers you to a room with a King size bed, complete with silk sheets, a blankie as soft as a baby's butt, and chocolates on the pillow. The sound machine is preset before you arrive and the overhead lights are lowered to the perfect not-too-bright, not-too-dim level. You sleep as long as you want.

3. Upon waking, you press a button beside the bed to alert your cabana boy***** that you are ready for dinner. Within seconds, a sophisticated hospital tray like contraption arrives, complete with the first course of your pre-ordered meal. Every time you finish a course, a new, modelesquely beautiful man enters the room and says "I'll do the dishes, honey. You just relax." Then, he drops a piece of chocolate in your palm and leaves with the dishes! In the event you feel like conversing at dinner, a table big enough for your all your girlfriends is available. When your BFF's join you, their personal chocolate-dropping cabana boys****** are in tow, so as not to take away from YOUR personal service.

4. After you've consumed just short of your yearly intake of calories and taken the needed potty break in your private restroom*******, a new sweetie-pie comes to tuck you in. He is tastefully dressed in Ralph Lauren; just the right mix of casual and cute. You are handed warm, liquid chocolate to drink before you fall asleep AGAIN.

5. One hour later, you are awoken by yet another lovely, who compliments you on how gorgeous you look after your "beauty sleep" and offers you a pound of chocolates as your parting gift.

You feel satisfied, beautiful, and pampered. And, you never see a bill. This whole adventure is charged to your husband's credit card as "groceries", so you never hear the griping that comes along with doing something for yourself.

Investors: Hurry! Call now! This proposal won't last! I'm taking offers to start this business, pronto.

Just remember, since I came up with the concept, I'm in charge of hiring, testing the chocolate, and sleeping.





*A figure which can only be achieved by copious amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and vomiting. How'd you like to kiss that at night? EW.

**If you thought I was making a pun, you outed yourself. I now know you've been to some men-only hideaway. And don't give me the sorry line "But, the wings are SOOOO good." Your Mother would be ashamed.

***A real dessert on the menu. Double EW.

****Always a dangerous proposition.

*****He arrives, fully clothed, in a Tommy Bahama outfit, barefoot.

******Though each man is wearing the same designer's clothes, none of the outfits "match", ruling out being served by anything but missionary-position loving men--though your reason for being at such a place has NOTHING to do with that line of thought. You're here for the lack of whiney children, dirty dishes and the abundance of chocolate. OH, the chocolate.

*******Which is devoid of boy urine.