Cursing Revisited

I hate being a person who tries my best not to use profanity but feels like it is all bottled up inside, waiting to explode at the most inopportune moment, such as in the middle of carpool line at the Christian school.

It's like buying a can of Coke out of a vending machine and then shaking it without thinking. At some point that thing is gonna belch soda water and sugar all over someone in its path.

I'm kinda like the soda. Sadly, some days I only have to be stirred, not shaken*, to feel all curse-y.

Thankfully, I learned creative cussing from a relative, so, since becoming a Mom, I can usually spill what's on my mind with a funky saying like "Holy Cats", effectively side-stepping a bomb drop.

Which leads me to a little conversation this summer:

Nice Mom** to friend's son: "When are you leaving on vacation?"

Friend's son: "My Mom and Dad are packing the car right now.*** Where were you all yesterday?"

Nice Mom: "We had some errands to run and then went to see a movie."

Friend's son: "What movie?"

Nice Mom: "Night at the Museum II."

Friend's son (all the sudden, slightly more interested in our chat): "OH. How did you like it?"

Nice Mom: "It was good. But I liked the first one better."

Friend's son: "Was there any cursing in it?"

In my head I suddenly hear screeching tires and sense that twisted metal and certain injury is about to come out of this conversation. Sadly, there is no where to go but forward.

Nice Mom (stomach lurching): "Well. Yes. There was some cussing."

Please don't ask which ones. Please don't ask which ones. Please don't ask which ones.

Friend's son: "What word?"

Somebody call 911 and have the wrecker and the ambulance start driving this way.

Nice Mom: "They used the "D" word."

Now, this is a nice kid from a nice, Christian family. I'm pretty sure we'll never see them again.

Friend's son: "OH. My parents HATE IT when I use that word!"

Holy frijole! Did he just say he drops the "D" bomb around his parents? Call off the ambulance, people. Our kids can be their friends again!

Friend's son (leaning in while cupping hands around mouth): "Yeah. They REALLY hate it when I call my brother or sister (looks around to see if anybody has snuck up on us) DUMB."

Nice Mom (crinkling up my nose, because, if I don't, I'll LAUGH): "Yeah. That's a REALLY BAD WORD."

Friend's son: "Yeah. Well, better go. See you when we get home!" Rides off on bike.

I need a good swig of Pepto Bismol after that near-miss. Thankfully, friend's son's parents think the story is adorable when I get up the nerve to tell them I almost accidentally introduced the "D" word to their son.

Me? Next time a kid asks me if there was cussing in a movie, I'm going to say "Why, yes. They used the "J" word."

And, if you don't know what that means, ask your Mom or Dad.



*Shout out to the REAL James Bond, Sean Connery.

**That would be me. This friend thinks I'm nice. I'm not sure all the friends would concur.

***Oblivious to the fact that this is the beginning of the biggest beat down of the summer--driving with family, in steamy, humid heat, with a car full of kids who all love the charming phrase "Are we there yet?" and who repeat it with astounding frequency.